it has only been now that i have truly come to appreciate my daddy.
i have been thinking of him, almost every hour of every day since he passed away last May 25.
i think of a lot of things about him. a lot of the good things he's done for me and the bad things i have done to him.
when he was alive, i took him for granted. even until when he was sick, he'd sleep upstairs, telling me of how painful and uncomfortable his situation is, and I'd just stare at him, sometimes, even irritatedly, thinking that he should not complain much about his illness because his psychological belief worsens it more.
I'd pass by through the stairway and see him in his room, lying on the floor (because we sleep on the mattress on the floor, because we don't have any beds) and would not even care to ask him if he needed anything.
there's just too many awful things that I have shown him before. too many to write it down.
I'd like to think that there has been something good that I have done for him, but it is just not enough for me to forgive myself.
it has only been now that I have learned that he was sad. His songs, songs that he would sing everyday, "Stardust", "let Me Try Again", "Smile", were all about the sadness that he felt. He felt so alone, that none of his sons nor daughters understood him and his religious beliefs. It breaks my heart that through those songs that he sang everyday of our lives, he remained ignored.
The lifetime fact that he was not a good provider closed my heart to him and his songs. Forgetting all of the loving things he has done for me and for us. Despite of everything, he tried to remain jolly. He was the most loving father ever. Always worried if my sister domes home an hour late, always asking how my interviews went, how my day went, always asking how my fiance is and where she is, always would say "thank you", always would hug and kiss, he was always very very loving.
Why do people see things only when it is too late?
Why do they not say the things they want to say when they have the chance?
why does appreciation only come when it is no longer there?
Happy Father's Day Daddy.
I miss you and I love you so much.
I wish you were still here with us.
I will see you again, yeah? Someday. I know.
Sleep well, Dad.
