tradition
a few hours after coming home from another epic fail from goFluent, it was time for my fiance to go to work. she dropped by the house just like her normal routine, saying, "tara na bhear.." in her tired and bored mode as usual.
walking to the trike, she said she wanted the best rest she could have for tomorrow. she said she wanted to go to the hotel we always go to rest, and she was joking about going there alone. kinda like her way of saying, "cmon, lets go there tomorrow night".
there goes her pity again, i know. If she just wants to take a nice rest, she can spend 2 whole days in her air-conditioned room and sleep for 48 hours. so I asked her "why not just sleep for 48 hours in your Ac'd room? She replied "coz I wanna be with you". So I said "ok, then sleep first thing when you get home tomorrow, then when you wake up, call me so we can be together. There's no need for us to go to the hotel." So she said, "ok".
I know she's considering some private time for the two of us. And I appreciate that. However, our private time only happens in the hotel and very very seldom, at home. Even if we were the last two people left on earth, she will always be a-sexual. and besides, i already know what's gonna happen from the moment we check in. First, she's gonna turn the TV on and roll on the bed. next, she'll tell me to give her a full body massage which i will do anyway for an hour or more. Then lastly, she's asleep. The next day, because of some stroke of guilt, 45mins before we check out, she's gonna wake up, take a bath, then the "not-so-magic" happens. When she does that, I feel like our love making is a chore that she HAS TO DO.
That's why every time I watch a movie or TV and see a couple who's really into each other and seriously hot for each other,.. a couple who grab each other and kiss passionately as soon as they open the door, breaking everything in their path... I can't help but be amazed. I drool. Literally.
I have always been so attracted to my fiance. I'm always hot for her, always turned on. And everyday, regardless if we are alone or not, I show it to her. However, I feel like i am just a big chore for her. What we do in the hotel is not because she wants to. Not because she is attracted to me and that she misses me in that kind of way, but because for her, it is just a tradition.
My dad always said "most Catholics do not know the reason behind the holidays they observe. for example, Halloween. they do not know the origin of it, and they do not ask. they just do it because it's TRADITION.".
Friday, March 9, 2012
TRAINER FAIL
An English teaching company called me 2 days ago to come in at their office in Alabang today for an exam.
The exam seemed to be one of the easiest I took in my whole life.
I took the exam inside their operations area.
I was able to observe and listen to some of the agents taking calls.
With high expectations based on the information given by the person who called me 2 days ago, I found it hard to believe that the people taking calls there were no different from any other agent working in low class call centers like Teleperformance or Teletech. Unlike these two centers (these centers just suck in a huge mass of employees regardless of skill level or IQ and then shit (terminate, or people resign or go AWOL) the same amount everyday), the company I went to rarely hires people. They are said to offer an overall compensation of 50k/month + commission based on the number of clients you teach (that's what the TA said). So observing how they took calls and how they taught their customers on the phone, I knew it was gonna be a walk in a piece-of-crap-park.
But me, writing here means only one thing.
i failed the exam.
i was speechless.
i was only able to say - "seriously?"..
then I stormed out of the building.
until now, I am still confused.
I don't know what to do, or what to think anymore.
I used to think that if there was one thing I knew I was good at, it was English.
I taught it to people before.
I still remember some of the technical terms.
It's what I love.
So why?
After finding out I failed (again), I went to 7-11, grabbed a drink, then sat down.
My fiance called. I told her i'm done with the exam, but I lied about failing. I didn't want to worry her anymore.
Sitting down, re-assessing my life, on what I really want to do, if the things that I thought I was good at really wasn't true.. If then, what else can I do?
Until now, i'm still re-assessing.
Almost every night, I post pictures on my Facebook page.
I edit those pictures first before posting. No one notices or comments.
I used to post logos, vector artworks, etc that I made but got no comments whatsoever.
Makes me think, what if - what I thought was great all along was really not great?
What if my views and paradigms are in conflict to the world's?
Just a few minutes ago, I checked jobstreet.com to go look for another job.
I came across an ad for an English Trainer post requiring international standards and a bunch of other international certifications as requirements. I asked myself, "what the hell is a TOEIC Propel Workshop? What is CELTA, DELTA and RSA Cambridge?". It was way out of my league.
I used to think that at one step at a time, someday, Ill finally reach this level. Someday, i'll be a great trainer by day and a caring and loving husband and dad by night.
Realistically, I'm 28.
I'm only a high school graduate.
I'm totally broke.
how can I still catch up? do I still see myself there?
Before, the reasons I fail were completely understandable. Sometimes, the employer finds out i'm not a college graduate, fine. Or I didn't have sufficient experience as a trainer, fine.
But now, I get turned down due to reasons a seriously DO NOT KNOW WHY.
I used to believe in the WILL.
I used to believe in the HEART. The LOVE for what you do.
I used to believe in the greater cause of not only earning a living but also at the same time, helping to change the lives of other people for the better.
I used to believe that even I was not masterful, I love what I do as a trainer and love my students even more.
And I used to believe that by THAT, greatness will come out naturally.
But no one gives me a chance.
Not anymore.
because I'm an undergraduate.
because I don't have any certifications.
because I don't have leather shoes.
because instead of going on with the tight agenda, id rather listen to a participant who shares his heart to the class.
My trainees before. they were fresh graduates. some were running out of options. some didn't have confidence, some were even delinquents.
I'm proud that they are now trainers, agents, team leaders, QAs, overseas workers, programmers, and they all have a better life.
But, was it because of me?
Did I really play a huge role in their lives?
Did I really wake up their potential?
I don't really know anymore.
Sometimes, they look back and thank me.
Others just carry on with their lives.
So again, I'm confusedly re-assessing my life and I need to find my place fast. It obviously doesn't matter what I used to believe in before, it just doesn't work anymore. Gotta think of something fast.
The exam seemed to be one of the easiest I took in my whole life.
I took the exam inside their operations area.
I was able to observe and listen to some of the agents taking calls.
With high expectations based on the information given by the person who called me 2 days ago, I found it hard to believe that the people taking calls there were no different from any other agent working in low class call centers like Teleperformance or Teletech. Unlike these two centers (these centers just suck in a huge mass of employees regardless of skill level or IQ and then shit (terminate, or people resign or go AWOL) the same amount everyday), the company I went to rarely hires people. They are said to offer an overall compensation of 50k/month + commission based on the number of clients you teach (that's what the TA said). So observing how they took calls and how they taught their customers on the phone, I knew it was gonna be a walk in a piece-of-crap-park.
But me, writing here means only one thing.
i failed the exam.
i was speechless.
i was only able to say - "seriously?"..
then I stormed out of the building.
until now, I am still confused.
I don't know what to do, or what to think anymore.
I used to think that if there was one thing I knew I was good at, it was English.
I taught it to people before.
I still remember some of the technical terms.
It's what I love.
So why?
After finding out I failed (again), I went to 7-11, grabbed a drink, then sat down.
My fiance called. I told her i'm done with the exam, but I lied about failing. I didn't want to worry her anymore.
Sitting down, re-assessing my life, on what I really want to do, if the things that I thought I was good at really wasn't true.. If then, what else can I do?
Until now, i'm still re-assessing.
Almost every night, I post pictures on my Facebook page.
I edit those pictures first before posting. No one notices or comments.
I used to post logos, vector artworks, etc that I made but got no comments whatsoever.
Makes me think, what if - what I thought was great all along was really not great?
What if my views and paradigms are in conflict to the world's?
Just a few minutes ago, I checked jobstreet.com to go look for another job.
I came across an ad for an English Trainer post requiring international standards and a bunch of other international certifications as requirements. I asked myself, "what the hell is a TOEIC Propel Workshop? What is CELTA, DELTA and RSA Cambridge?". It was way out of my league.
I used to think that at one step at a time, someday, Ill finally reach this level. Someday, i'll be a great trainer by day and a caring and loving husband and dad by night.
Realistically, I'm 28.
I'm only a high school graduate.
I'm totally broke.
how can I still catch up? do I still see myself there?
Before, the reasons I fail were completely understandable. Sometimes, the employer finds out i'm not a college graduate, fine. Or I didn't have sufficient experience as a trainer, fine.
But now, I get turned down due to reasons a seriously DO NOT KNOW WHY.
I used to believe in the WILL.
I used to believe in the HEART. The LOVE for what you do.
I used to believe in the greater cause of not only earning a living but also at the same time, helping to change the lives of other people for the better.
I used to believe that even I was not masterful, I love what I do as a trainer and love my students even more.
And I used to believe that by THAT, greatness will come out naturally.
But no one gives me a chance.
Not anymore.
because I'm an undergraduate.
because I don't have any certifications.
because I don't have leather shoes.
because instead of going on with the tight agenda, id rather listen to a participant who shares his heart to the class.
My trainees before. they were fresh graduates. some were running out of options. some didn't have confidence, some were even delinquents.
I'm proud that they are now trainers, agents, team leaders, QAs, overseas workers, programmers, and they all have a better life.
But, was it because of me?
Did I really play a huge role in their lives?
Did I really wake up their potential?
I don't really know anymore.
Sometimes, they look back and thank me.
Others just carry on with their lives.
So again, I'm confusedly re-assessing my life and I need to find my place fast. It obviously doesn't matter what I used to believe in before, it just doesn't work anymore. Gotta think of something fast.
FAIL
An English teaching company called me 2 days ago to come in at their office in Alabang today for an exam.
The exam seemed to be one of the easiest I took in my whole life.
I took the exam inside their operations area.
I was able to observe and listen to some of the agents taking calls.
With high expectations based on the information given by the person who called me 2 days ago, I found it hard to believe that the people taking calls there were no different from any other agent working in low class call centers like teleperformance or teletech. Unlike these two centers (these centers just suck in a huge mass of employees regardless of skill level or IQ and then shit the same ammount everyday), the company I went to rarely hires people. They are said to offer an overall compensation of 50k/month + commision based on the number of clients you teach (that's what the TA said). So observing how they took calls and how they taught their customers on the phone, I knew it was gonna be a walk in a piece-of-crap-park.
But me, writing here means only one thing.
i failed the exam.
i was speechless.
i was only able to say - "seriously?"..
then I stormed out of the building.
until now, I am still confused.
I dont know what to do, or what to think of anymore.
I used to think that if there was one thing I knew I was good at, it was English.
I taught it to people before.
I still remember some of the technicals.
Its what I love.
So why?
After finding out I failed (again), I went to 7-11, grabbed a drink, then sat down.
My fiance called. I told her im done with the exam but I lied about failing. I didnt want to worry her anymore.
Sitting down, re-assessing my life, on what I really want to do, if the things that I thought I was good at really wasnt true.. If then, what else can I do?
Until now, im still re-assessing.
Almost every night, I post pictures on my facebook page.
I edit those pictures first before posting. No one notices or comments.
I used to post LOGOs, vector artworks, etc that I made but got no comments whatsoever.
Makes me think, what if what I thought was great all along was really not great?
What if my views and paradigms are in conflict to the world's?
Just a few minutes ago, I checked jobstreet to go look for another job.
I came accross an ad for an English Trainer post requiring international standards and a bunch of other international certifications as requirements. I asked myself, "what the hell is a TOEIC Propel Workshop? What is CELTA, DELTA and RSA Cambridge?". It was way out of my league.
I used to think that at one step at a time, someday, Ill finally reach this level. Someday, i'll be a great trainer by day and a caring and loving husband and dad by night.
Realistically, im 28.
im only a high school graduate.
im totally broke.
how can I still catch up? do I still see myself there?
Before, the reasons I fail were completely understandable. Sometimes they find out im not a college graduate, fine. Or I didnt have sufficient experience as a trainer, fine.
But now, I get turned down due to reasons a seriously DO NOT KNOW WHY.
I used to believe to the WILL?
I used to believe to the HEART? The LOVE for what you do?
I used to believe in the greater cause of not only earning a living but also at the same time, helping to change the lives of other people for the better.
I used to believe that even I was not masterful, I love what I do as a trainer and love my students even more.
And I used to believe that by THAT, greatness will come out naturally.
But no one gives me a chance.
Not anymore.
because Im an undergraduate.
because I dont have any certifications.
because I dont have leather shoes.
beacause that instead of going on with the tight agenda, id rather listen to a participant who shares his heart to the class.
My trainees before. they were fresh graduates. some were running out of options. some didnt have confidence, some were even delinquents.
Im proud that they are now trainers, agents, team leaders, QAs, overseas workers, programmers, and they all have a better life.
But, was it because of me?
Did I really play a huge role in their lives?
Did I really wake up their potential?
I dont really know anymore.
Sometimes, they look back and thank me.
Others just carry on with their lives.
So again, Im confusedly re-assessing my life and I need to find my place fast. It obviously doesnt matter what I used to believe in before, it just doesnt work anymore. Gotta think of something fast.
The exam seemed to be one of the easiest I took in my whole life.
I took the exam inside their operations area.
I was able to observe and listen to some of the agents taking calls.
With high expectations based on the information given by the person who called me 2 days ago, I found it hard to believe that the people taking calls there were no different from any other agent working in low class call centers like teleperformance or teletech. Unlike these two centers (these centers just suck in a huge mass of employees regardless of skill level or IQ and then shit the same ammount everyday), the company I went to rarely hires people. They are said to offer an overall compensation of 50k/month + commision based on the number of clients you teach (that's what the TA said). So observing how they took calls and how they taught their customers on the phone, I knew it was gonna be a walk in a piece-of-crap-park.
But me, writing here means only one thing.
i failed the exam.
i was speechless.
i was only able to say - "seriously?"..
then I stormed out of the building.
until now, I am still confused.
I dont know what to do, or what to think of anymore.
I used to think that if there was one thing I knew I was good at, it was English.
I taught it to people before.
I still remember some of the technicals.
Its what I love.
So why?
After finding out I failed (again), I went to 7-11, grabbed a drink, then sat down.
My fiance called. I told her im done with the exam but I lied about failing. I didnt want to worry her anymore.
Sitting down, re-assessing my life, on what I really want to do, if the things that I thought I was good at really wasnt true.. If then, what else can I do?
Until now, im still re-assessing.
Almost every night, I post pictures on my facebook page.
I edit those pictures first before posting. No one notices or comments.
I used to post LOGOs, vector artworks, etc that I made but got no comments whatsoever.
Makes me think, what if what I thought was great all along was really not great?
What if my views and paradigms are in conflict to the world's?
Just a few minutes ago, I checked jobstreet to go look for another job.
I came accross an ad for an English Trainer post requiring international standards and a bunch of other international certifications as requirements. I asked myself, "what the hell is a TOEIC Propel Workshop? What is CELTA, DELTA and RSA Cambridge?". It was way out of my league.
I used to think that at one step at a time, someday, Ill finally reach this level. Someday, i'll be a great trainer by day and a caring and loving husband and dad by night.
Realistically, im 28.
im only a high school graduate.
im totally broke.
how can I still catch up? do I still see myself there?
Before, the reasons I fail were completely understandable. Sometimes they find out im not a college graduate, fine. Or I didnt have sufficient experience as a trainer, fine.
But now, I get turned down due to reasons a seriously DO NOT KNOW WHY.
I used to believe to the WILL?
I used to believe to the HEART? The LOVE for what you do?
I used to believe in the greater cause of not only earning a living but also at the same time, helping to change the lives of other people for the better.
I used to believe that even I was not masterful, I love what I do as a trainer and love my students even more.
And I used to believe that by THAT, greatness will come out naturally.
But no one gives me a chance.
Not anymore.
because Im an undergraduate.
because I dont have any certifications.
because I dont have leather shoes.
beacause that instead of going on with the tight agenda, id rather listen to a participant who shares his heart to the class.
My trainees before. they were fresh graduates. some were running out of options. some didnt have confidence, some were even delinquents.
Im proud that they are now trainers, agents, team leaders, QAs, overseas workers, programmers, and they all have a better life.
But, was it because of me?
Did I really play a huge role in their lives?
Did I really wake up their potential?
I dont really know anymore.
Sometimes, they look back and thank me.
Others just carry on with their lives.
So again, Im confusedly re-assessing my life and I need to find my place fast. It obviously doesnt matter what I used to believe in before, it just doesnt work anymore. Gotta think of something fast.
Monday, March 5, 2012
POP p2
just wanted to post and share to my dearest blogger (the only one i share my thoughts to) how excited and craving I am to once again want to buy these new releases which I saw @ divisoria last weekend.
Batholomew Kuma POP
Enel God POP
Perhona POP
Others were Trafalgar Law, Shanks and Ace Strong Version, Robin DPCF, and the Sailing Away versions of Luffy, Zoro, Nami and Chopper.
I can't wait to get a job again and fill my room with more One Piece Portrait of Pirates!
I like happy thoughts.. Makes me feel better... I have to get used to making myself feel better. Hehe.
sucks
alone at home.
12:40 in the morning.
waiting for my gf to call, normally she calls around 10-11pm during her lunch but she hasn't been calling these past few days.
makes me recall how happy she was, describing her perkiness at work towards her colleagues, how high she respects her "mentor" etc., but before she left earlier, she just made me get 50php from her wallet, smacked me on the lips and said she'll be going to work. she called me an hour after, said she was tired again, and feeling sick.
I fucking hate this set up. Me, here everyday, no social life, no transportation to go to my friends, cant even play magic cards on a weekend because even that costs money.
I fucking swear to Buddha that when I get a job, I AM GONNA FUCKING FREAK OUT AND BE ALL FRIENDLY AND NICE AGAIN TO THE PEOPLE AROUND ME. I'm gonna hang out with those peeps in team buildings and pool parties and drinking sessions, may they be girls, boys or homosexuals, i don't give a shit. I'm tired of building my life around just one person and it's making me SICK metaphorically and literally speaking.
I'm gonna turn my phone to silent now coz im sleeping. Good night.
12:40 in the morning.
waiting for my gf to call, normally she calls around 10-11pm during her lunch but she hasn't been calling these past few days.
makes me recall how happy she was, describing her perkiness at work towards her colleagues, how high she respects her "mentor" etc., but before she left earlier, she just made me get 50php from her wallet, smacked me on the lips and said she'll be going to work. she called me an hour after, said she was tired again, and feeling sick.
I fucking hate this set up. Me, here everyday, no social life, no transportation to go to my friends, cant even play magic cards on a weekend because even that costs money.
I fucking swear to Buddha that when I get a job, I AM GONNA FUCKING FREAK OUT AND BE ALL FRIENDLY AND NICE AGAIN TO THE PEOPLE AROUND ME. I'm gonna hang out with those peeps in team buildings and pool parties and drinking sessions, may they be girls, boys or homosexuals, i don't give a shit. I'm tired of building my life around just one person and it's making me SICK metaphorically and literally speaking.
I'm gonna turn my phone to silent now coz im sleeping. Good night.
honesty
its been a nice weekend. mom heard i was sick and was shitting like crazy for almost 5 days straight now so she rushed last Friday here along with my 2 other beloved sisters. karen, who now rents a place in zapote also spent the weekend here, and so did sord. it was a complete family weekend together.
mom cooked my favorite chicken curry and chicken adobo and it was great since no one has the time to cook anymore. im really grateful. she bought me lots of bananas to eat coz she said its good for me and my shit.
bhear, my girlfriend, I guess due to so much pity of me, took me out to eat @ Divisoria. At first, we went to SM MOA, but she wasn't able to find the stuff she needs to buy so we went to DIVISORIA after a few hours of walking in circles at MOA. I was so freakin tires and depressed but I didnt wanna show it to her. Depressed coz I was there but i didnt have anything to treat her or myself to whatever we wanted. I felt life a dog following her around, to whatever she feels like doing. at first, she had an allergy and kept sneezing but when she got well, she started talking about how close she is to her colleagues, and a guy that she calls her mentor. surprisingly contrasting with regard to the way I thought she feels every time she goes to work. (everyday, before she goes to work, she's always gloomy and tired, we almost don't talk, and she just gives me a smack before taking the jeep to work. she calls me when she gets there and again, i hear her tired tone, making me more depressed, wishing i was the one working for a living and not her.) she describes in her story how perky she is at work, how her voice gets heard in other people's calls because of how noisy she is, how she communicates with her mentor, like they're so close. strange things run in to my mind while she describes how she is at work. observing her more, a little later @ MOA, I felt her, tired and gloomy again, even after she slept 13 hrs the day before. I just knew at that point that she didn't take us out because she misses me or our time together but just took me out because she pities me for being at home the whole week.
Today, before mom left, mommy, in her own weird way, was trying to convince me to get whatever hell of a job as soon as I get well. She understands the hell that I go through every time I'm left alone at home.
after watching all the movies and reading all the manga I can, I can't help but re-assess my fcking life. i get more and more depressed while doing so.
I'm the type of person that when depressed does not just sulk @ the corner of some room, i move on. however, inevitably, the depression takes a huge-ass toll on me, physically and mentally.
When Im alone, aside from the usual "im such a loser-sucks to be me-I got no work" type of things that i think about when Im alone, i was also thinking of how my girlfriend only calls me whenever she wants to, how she shrugs me off every time I touch her sexily, every time I kiss her in the neck, etc.. I miss her, and I miss our time together, and sometimes, when I know she's at home, I stay up at night hoping she calls me when she wakes up but she doesn't. My god i have done everything i can, i have talked to her re this matter, understood as much as i can, i give her countless massages for minutes sometimes hours almost everyday. we rarely have any private time together, which of course, makes me feel more like a loser and makes me depressed even more so.
i can't talk to her about these things anymore.
recently, i have noticed that I haven't been completely open and honest with her anymore. Every time Id start a conversation regarding any of the things that I notice, it just leads to her, getting offended and not understanding my point. I haven't even told her that I owe our neighbor 700php for fixing the memory chip of my laptop that got eaten by ants. I told the neighbor that I would pay him on the first of march but until now, i have been hiding from him, just here in the house, thinking of a way to earn some money.
anyway, i just keep thinking that i deserve this. all of this.
however, what brings me down is the feeling that I am truly alone.
mom cooked my favorite chicken curry and chicken adobo and it was great since no one has the time to cook anymore. im really grateful. she bought me lots of bananas to eat coz she said its good for me and my shit.
bhear, my girlfriend, I guess due to so much pity of me, took me out to eat @ Divisoria. At first, we went to SM MOA, but she wasn't able to find the stuff she needs to buy so we went to DIVISORIA after a few hours of walking in circles at MOA. I was so freakin tires and depressed but I didnt wanna show it to her. Depressed coz I was there but i didnt have anything to treat her or myself to whatever we wanted. I felt life a dog following her around, to whatever she feels like doing. at first, she had an allergy and kept sneezing but when she got well, she started talking about how close she is to her colleagues, and a guy that she calls her mentor. surprisingly contrasting with regard to the way I thought she feels every time she goes to work. (everyday, before she goes to work, she's always gloomy and tired, we almost don't talk, and she just gives me a smack before taking the jeep to work. she calls me when she gets there and again, i hear her tired tone, making me more depressed, wishing i was the one working for a living and not her.) she describes in her story how perky she is at work, how her voice gets heard in other people's calls because of how noisy she is, how she communicates with her mentor, like they're so close. strange things run in to my mind while she describes how she is at work. observing her more, a little later @ MOA, I felt her, tired and gloomy again, even after she slept 13 hrs the day before. I just knew at that point that she didn't take us out because she misses me or our time together but just took me out because she pities me for being at home the whole week.
Today, before mom left, mommy, in her own weird way, was trying to convince me to get whatever hell of a job as soon as I get well. She understands the hell that I go through every time I'm left alone at home.
after watching all the movies and reading all the manga I can, I can't help but re-assess my fcking life. i get more and more depressed while doing so.
I'm the type of person that when depressed does not just sulk @ the corner of some room, i move on. however, inevitably, the depression takes a huge-ass toll on me, physically and mentally.
When Im alone, aside from the usual "im such a loser-sucks to be me-I got no work" type of things that i think about when Im alone, i was also thinking of how my girlfriend only calls me whenever she wants to, how she shrugs me off every time I touch her sexily, every time I kiss her in the neck, etc.. I miss her, and I miss our time together, and sometimes, when I know she's at home, I stay up at night hoping she calls me when she wakes up but she doesn't. My god i have done everything i can, i have talked to her re this matter, understood as much as i can, i give her countless massages for minutes sometimes hours almost everyday. we rarely have any private time together, which of course, makes me feel more like a loser and makes me depressed even more so.
i can't talk to her about these things anymore.
recently, i have noticed that I haven't been completely open and honest with her anymore. Every time Id start a conversation regarding any of the things that I notice, it just leads to her, getting offended and not understanding my point. I haven't even told her that I owe our neighbor 700php for fixing the memory chip of my laptop that got eaten by ants. I told the neighbor that I would pay him on the first of march but until now, i have been hiding from him, just here in the house, thinking of a way to earn some money.
anyway, i just keep thinking that i deserve this. all of this.
however, what brings me down is the feeling that I am truly alone.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)