2013

update 11/24/2013

it's been a looooong 2 days. yesterday, bhear and I went out to SM supposedly just to unwind and go on a date... or to get a screen protector for our Telpad. But we ended up buying 20k worth of stuff. Majority of which was for her bed/frame set worth 16k. I bought a pair of slip-ons from Sandugo too amongst other things. Anyway, I'm happy. Ever since I got this job from Fernando, each year is just better that the last. I started working for him June last year and I'm still happily working with/for him today and I hope I really get to do this for life. I appreciate everything he's done for us and I'm glad to say that I too, am starting to help him back. Recently, his laptop exploded (not literally) and I got to help him by lending him 15k so he can buy a new desktop. Now he has that awesome desktop and I'm happy to think I helped him with that. Aside from that, he earns 2500 a week from me. Anyway, going back to bhear, I left her sleeping in her new huge bed, I tucked her in a heavy blanket so she won't get cold, and kissed her on the head goodnight. She didn't even flinch, (compared to when she was sleeping on that hard-ass wooden bed that always gives her neck aches and back pains) meaning, she's sound asleep. Going back home, I finally got this satisfying feeling that I'm finally moving on the right track, giving her a comfortable and safe place. I couldn't join her in bed, as her mom was home, and I don't want them to think that I'm getting too comfortable, sleeping in her same bed just because I bought it for her. Anyway, right now, I'm happy.

Happiness has been rare before I got this job, every night I would see her sleeping beside me on our old dusty and itchy foam on the floor while I look at her friends' pictures in Singapore or Dubai or in the States... We may not be there now but at least I know we are headed that way.

Also, a few days ago, we just signed a contract for a new house that we're paying. That house will soon be ours, hopefully, in less that 10 years time. It's a beautiful house in a beautiful neighborhood. That will be for her, and for our kids someday. Shit just got real, I told Dru and Fernando. I said this is it. Imma start paying 15k every month for the next 10 years. I have never gotten myself into anything that takes years to finish but I guess you just have to start investing on our future. I'm kinda scared, but I hope and pray that we'll get through this.

Don't get me wrong. I'm happy but that does not mean I don't want more. I WANT MORE! More for me and my family. They say things you have will not follow you to the grave, but it pretty darn better to die knowing you did your best for yourself and your family, and that you will have things to leave them.
I know I wont last long. I some 2 packs of cigarettes everyday. I live a very unhealthy lifestyle. I eat a lot, I sleep whenever I want, I don't drink water, I don't exercise,.. I hope to do better in the future but what the fucks do we know? I just wanna do my best to earn as long and as much as I can as long as I'm here.
We bought a lot of things recently. I was able to buy Bhear a Samsung Note 2, which unfortunately she left in the washroom and never got it back. I got a huge LED monitor, an i7 laptop with awesome GDDR5 graphics, etc. etc. I can't keep track. To think that the end of last year, I was only expecting to have an internet connection for my work. I have more want to buys before the end of this year, up to Bhear's birthday next year (Jan 04):

HDD SSD: Crucial M4 128gb msata
PHP 5870.00

RaZER Blackwidow Ultimate 2013 Elite Gaming Keyboard
PHP 6300.00

Mouse Mad Catz R.A.T 5 Gaming
PHP 3300.00

Speaker Logitech Z906 5.1 Speaker System
PHP 13950.00

Playstation 3 Dualshock 3 Wireless Controller
PHP 2000.00

Headset RaZER Tiamat Elite 7.1 Surround
PHP 8000.00

Hdd Laptop WD Scorpio Blue 1TB, WD10JPVT
PHP 3550.00

Hdd Laptop WD Scorpio Blue 320GB, WD3200BPVT
PHP 2250.00

Hdd External WD My Passport 2TB Portable USB3.0
PHP 6300.00

Senior Executive Chair
PHP 2980.00
Table
PHP 6000.00

Samsung Note 3
PHP 30000.00
Samsung Galaxy Gear Watch
PHP 13000.00

Fender (or better) Guitar
PHP 15000.00

Believe it or not, all of these costs approx 120kPHP. So if I look back next year at this blog, (hopefully because I already have all of these here) that would be astounding. After all of these, car,

 then the wedding.
Again, thank you for all the blessings and protection from God, and to Fernando. Hope to post something happy next year, see you soon blog!

This is how I hope my workstation will be someday:

suffocate

suffocating. i don't know why, i guess i just got too impatient on things going on recently. i was on my way to buying a new Alienware laptop, got a kid seller from Zambuanga who really needed the money. I could've had it by now but we went to Baguio on our anniversary so we spent half that amount. 2 days ago, he sold it to someone else. now im still stuck working on a pc that crashes every time you play a YouTube video. But at least it still allows me to play music and do my job. I guess I can still wait.

Don't get me wrong, I bought so many things recently with my 12-15k weekly salary, much much more than I ever bought on all of my 8 years in the call center (agent/trainer). it's just that when you're this close to getting everything you want, suddenly, it's not enough. I used to live year after year on budgeting my salary on transpo, food, etc. And simple dates were sufficient for me and my baby. Now only do i realize that I have missed so much! Now, almost every week, I can buy something nice I want but I still want more! Also we started planning to buy a house after all necessities have been obtained. Then after the house, a car, then the wedding. We plan to do it in Camp John Hay - Bell Amphitheater. I showed it to her last week and she was psyched. :) Looking back on a 30k per month salary minus taxes (one of the highest offers a trainer could get in a call center), I earn 11-12k per half a month minus transportation and food and other misc expenses, it does not make sense at all!

now I earn in dollars and my work load is so light, I can do it whenever and however i want. All of this is thanks to Fernando, a good friend who passed over the torch to me when he went to work for iOS games and Hentai illustrations.

for the meantime, we need to buy:

a kickass budget-friendly laptop
work table
work chair
my bed
bhear's bed
bhear's bean bags

optional:
my room renovation which includes:
*air conditioning
*room re-painting
a better cellphone
and preparation for the upcoming holiday season, a chance to give back to the people who helped us make it through the years.

after the above:
HOUSE
CAR
WEDDING


over the past year, we were able to buy:
Samsung galaxy note 2
Samsung 32inch LED TV
Nintendo wii
PlayStation 3
tv table
carrier air condition for bhear's room
bhear's room
dell s2440L 24inch monitor
dragonwar mechanical backlighted gaming keyboard and mouse
500GB western digital ext passport
and loving and fun memories from Baguio for our 6th anniversary. (speaking of anniversary, I remember our last anniversary I had to sell some of the cards in my MTG collection to buy her 3 pcs of her favorite flower.)
and everyday, my baby can now buy any food she wants or pretty much anything she wants.

I just want to stress that NEVER IN MY LIFE was I able to buy any of these until recently.

I am so thankful for all of these. If ever shit happened, I would still be pretty proud of myself and my baby, but I really hope to do this work forever.

thank you Father for giving me everyone who helped (and are still helping) me.

There

Browsing through sulit.com looking for an affordable air conditioning unit for my baby's new room, after typing the word "aircondition" in the search bar, the results showed some awesome pictures of I think one of most beautiful houses for sale I have ever seen in my entire life. One link after the other, all under the same location - "alabang". So I looked at the pictures of the houses, was actually a bit cool, felt like a virtual tour of the house, without the hassle of the Realtor sighing at you since looking like a hobo isn't really a promising look for a buyer.

Pic by pic I scrolled through the pictures of the different parts of the house.  Each house ad better than the last one, each room pic gets more and more awesome. The floors were so shiny, doors made of sliding glass, spacious patios, stair cases made of glass, bedrooms that look like you don't wanna get out of forever. It took me about 5 mins before I remembered to breathe. Then questions flooded my mind like - do these people have so many properties that they just want to sell these magnificent houses? Why not live in it their selves? Why not give it to their sons or daughters or moms and/or dads? Do all of their close immediate relatives have houses as awesome as this (if not more awesome) already? what do they do for a living? how many people in the Philippines have this much awesome houses and what do they do? did they start from an entry level job and got promoted until they reached an annual salary capable of buying a house like this? how old are they now if ever? what kind of job is it? am I really that much of a failure?

I grew up as a very poor kid. Not being able to finish college coz my parents cant afford it. after working at numerous fast food chains and playing guitar in bars, I worked in call centers since I was 20 years old and I thought that was awesome. Now I'm 30 years old and all I do is make flash dolls for P5k a week. I am now in the middle of my life and have not accomplished anything. I am angry now, feeling the world is so unfair. I think I have some talents, but there are just legions of stupid-ass motherf*ckers out there who just got born into this world with a golden spoon in their f*cking mouths.

What do I have to do to achieve a house like that? i want it for my baby, my mom, my sisters and my brother. They deserve everything this world has to offer too. why is this f*cking system made so that only the people who can AFFORD it can get the most out of it? Did God make the majestic mountains of Japan,  and New Zealand just so only the rich can see it? I'm here in the Philippines and can't even friggin afford to see everything this country has to offer.

Will I still be able to do something? Is it too late? How? When? What?
For now, all I know is to do my best in what I do and grab every opportunity I get to be more. At least i'm not a dick thrusting blindly in space, I'm a dick slowly thrusting into something. I hope to get there. I want to get there. I crave to get there. I will get there.

Feel

Why is that belief so strong? Probably planted in my subconscious growing up.

Anyways, sometimes, I feel like my time is near.

I don't know why... Probably because maybe you feel when your almost done doing something or when you see the finish line on the horizon, i don't know.. Maybe because i feel pains in my chest and my throat is swelling because of my rotten 10 year old impacted tooth.

But I am so happy. So happy to be with my baby. If there is one thing in life that made me worth living on this planet, it's her. the only reason why I live. To love her, my baby, Audi Raizza Ramos.

Been with her for 5 years now, still feel like we just met. Everyday, she's so beautiful, everyday, so fun.

So i guess that's why I feel like something bad is gonna happen. Because I'm so happy.

The only thing that makes me sad though is not being able to provide and give her needs and wants. She's not greedy, she sticks with me though thick and thin. But as a man who loves someone so much, it's just so painful not to be able to provide.

I pray hard that I be given the chance to be the man that provides for her.

I love you baby.

Tire

Tire for car tires.

Internet's been cut for a month, and just got reconnected yesterday. It's a big deal, really, as I was thinking of not having it reconnected. My ISP's service sucks. Sky Broadband of SkyCable's 3mbps can't even play a lo-res youtube video properly. So anyway, I got it again because I need to find work. Again. But this time, I'm hoping for things to be different. I'm trying home-based  jobs now, through odesk.com. makes a lot more sense since working as an employee here in the Philippines with 10k per 15 days is just stupid. If you live here, you know why.

Spent a year working for my friend, maing gay online dolls for little girls seemed like a great idea, until recently. Last December 2012 to Feb 2013, i was making 5500 a week, which made sense, thinking that I won't have to spend money for transportation, I was able to save and buy some cool stuff for me and my baby. But it's a different story now. Shit splattered and now my friend/boss began acting like a douche.Just making roughly around 10k now. My fault anyway. And I still want to have that doll making sideline but I need more income.

I was so happy and brave last December, making all that money without having to go anywhere. Right now, I lost 100% of that enthusiasm.

So goes the old Filipino saying that life is like a tire. Round and round, sometimes you're on the upside, sometimes down. Hope to get up soon. Real soon, before the next billing cycle and/or before my baby resign from her job.

torn

just tonight after a long while, I prayed. I said, "God, what should I do?"

Long time ago, when I was in high school, and also in church, I had a good friend. His name is Donn. He was literally my one and only best friend in church. Before, during and most of the time, after services, we'd find a hidden mini store near the service venue and smoke a cigarette, tear a few leaves off a nearby plant and use it as a hand sanitizer, masking our scent with the smell of crushed leaves.

He would then spend a few weeks sometimes @ our place and it was fun, although we'd fight about food cause he eats A LOT. but nevertheless, good times.

Then, i left the church 5-6 years ago which was pretty much the last time I saw or heard from him.

Earlier this evening, he sent me a message. Saying he's in deep shit and that he needed my help. He also said that the least thing I could do was to let him stay here at my place for at most a week till he finds another place to stay. Shortly after getting the message, my phone rang and it was him. I couldn't decide whether to pick up or not. It was a long time and I don't know if I can feed or have him stay for a week in this puny little home of ours. God, even I and bear can't even sleep properly together in this room, where would I have him stay? He kept calling for like 10 times or so.

So I prayed.

It would've been fun to have caught up with him again, after all these years and after all we've been through, but I don't know, given his circumstances and mine.

Should I reply? Give him a call? have him stay over? or should I just ignore him? what should I do?

Time Skip Update 4 - stricken

sadness just overwhelmed me.

i was just trying to clean up my computer of Gigs of temp files, registry, etc. restarted my computer and lighted a cigarette while waiting for the logon screen to show. I looked at my 32' LED Tv and looked around. I noticed the blinking of my cisco wifi modem and sorta thought - "man, we (bhear and I) are kinda making it. To think that 2 years ago, we had nothing more than this core 2 DELL laptop that I forgot to give back to my previous employer when I resigned, and a couple of anime figures. Back then, anime figures was all that made me happy, even thought they were bootlegs bought in divisoria.

Then, continuing to look around, I saw this long bamboo sticking out of the window, (reason why I can't close it when needed) this bamboo acted as an extension for the TV antennae downstairs. It was dad and I who put it there.

All rushed back. How he wanted to watch the news everyday saying "news here in the Philippines suck" (somewhat like that) "walang kwenta mga balita dito! umutot nanaman si Sharon Cuneta!" says dad. Of course I would ask him "then why do you keep watching the news everyday?". He would only smile and say, "Says in the bible to be watchful of current events. Since we don't have cable TV, you just have to learn to read between the lines."

But before that, I would remember him, borrowing a wheel barrow just so he could take that "once-too-many-times  defective 2000php surplus TV" to the technician to have it fixed, He would put the Tv on the cart and walk to phase 1 every time the Tv didnt work. And just like the pathetic loser I am and was, didn't even lend a helping hand.

I also remember him having no money at all but just suddenly one day, he was able to buy a TV antennae. Now that antennae is still standing, sticking out the window through that long bamboo, while your Tv downstairs, as usual is no longer working.

I miss you so much dad.

I remember you would always try to wait for your turn (ever so seldom) to use the internet that I always use every night.

I remember you would wait for that video to load on youtube, regardless of how slow the buffering took.

If only you were here now. Now im looking at my 32 inch LED tv with cnn and god knows how many other news channels in there but no one watches it here, how much you would have appreciated it. The 3mbps continuous youtube stream, now only used for pathetic movie trailers and other nonsense crap.

I wish you were here dad. I wish I treated you better. Loved you more. Talked to you more. Supported you more.

Now you are just downstairs in an urn, beside your books, still i never fail to look at you and remember you everyday. And when no one is around, I even talk to you and greet you verbally. Ironic, because when you were still here, Id wished you would go to sleep already cause I cant smoke when you're around.

I wish I could send this message to everyone who forsakes their dads or mums, someday you will feel the same as I do if you don't change now. I learned that if there is a chance to do something, do it TODAY.

Make the most out of everyday, love your love ones more and more each day. Kiss them, hug them, show them that you care, TODAY and everyday.

People who are alive feel that they live forever. But they don't. And everyone will die. It's just a matter of time. Don't be stupid enough to be too late to realize that.

I LOVE YOU DAD. and I MISS YOU. Everyday.

Time Skip Update 3 - Update

update. after a year or more I guess..

up to my last blog, i think if i remember correctly, i was filled with rage, hate, and depression.

all the negative thoughts.

a year after, i must say im doing pretty good!

I finally left the FUCKING CORPORATE JUNGLE OF CALL CENTERS a year ago and now, I work homebased, designing and making online games and very soon, I, too, will be starting a designing job for a motorcycle magazine.

hard to believe it but in my previous blogs, I posted pictures of EVERYTHING (Material) I want to have and I now have it.

now, I have another set of things in mind for the future:

note 2 samsung
galaxy camera
i78 laptop
27inch computer monitor
ps3 move
ps vita
samsung galaxy s4

CAR
WEDDING

i know I can do it. We (bhear and I) can do it.

and as morgan freeman said: always keep your goals in mind. put a picture of something that you want in places that you will always see and be reminded, and 100% guaranteed, you will get it.

My baby and I are doing great more than ever. Always happy, sometimes quarreling, still very rare sex life but still, very much in love every day, more and more.

hope to update this soon, when I reach one or more of the goals.

Time Skip Update 2 - Tae

hindi ako makatulog. nagloloko ang katawan ko, mayat maya sobrang kati ng balat ko. nanginginig ang mga kamay ko. alam kong may health problem ako, pero isa lang yon sa mga magagaan na iniisip ko.

lagi kaming nagaaway. hindi ko alam kung anung nakakapag set off sa akin pero kanina, nakatulog na kami ng konti nang bigla nalang syang umiiyak, masakit daw ng sobra ung dinantayan kong hita nya. umiyak sya na parang nabalian sya ng buto. sinubukan kong masahiin pero lalo lang daw sumasakit. nainis ako at umalis sa kamang halos sa akin lang ay hindi na kasya. napasigarilyo ako na parang sobrang pikon na pikon na nanginginig pa ung mga kamay ko. tuloy tuloy pa rin ang pagiyak nya. pinapanood ko lang sya kasi alam ko naman na wala akong magagawa para tulungan sya. mga ilang minuto pa, pinilit nyang tumayo. uuwi na daw sya kasi inaaway ko nanaman daw sya. lagi nalang daw akong galit.

bakit nga ba ako galit? alam  ko sa sarili ko na hindi lang ako galit kundi nanggagalaiti sa kunsumisyon. alam kong ang kapal ng mukha ko para magalit nalang basta basta. tutal, wala naman akong trabaho. kumikita ako ng mga 2500 sa isang linggo, pero hindi parin sapat un. ang nagbibigays aakin ng pagkain gabi gabi ay ung kapatid kong babae, o kadalasan, SIYA. hindi ako nagbbiyahe, nakaupo lang ako buong gabi, gumagawa ng mga Flash Dolls para sa cartoondollemporium.com.

Pero bigla nalang tumataas ung dugo ko talaga. kanina, sobrang pagod ko. Dahil siguro sa labis na paninigarilyo. Hindi ako umiinom ng tubig kasi ung tubig dito sa bahay galing gripo, nagtatae ako pagnakakainom ng madami. so lagi akong RC or mountain dew; Dahil din siguro sa maya't maya, iniisip ko ang para sa kinabukasan namin, kung paano ko sya maiaahon sa hirap at magiging isang maaasahang tao para sa knya. Dahil siguro minu-minuto, iniisip ko na baka may dumating na taga meralco at batakin ung kuntador naming 3 months nang hindi nababayadan pero nakakabit. Dahil din siguro iniisip ko na ganun din ung tubig namin. Dahil din siguro sa sobrang pagnanais ko na makagawa ng dalawang doll sa isang linggo para kahit papaano kumita ako ng 5600. para mabayadan ko ung nanay nya ng 2000 at matulungan ko sya magbayad ng sun cellular bill nya na 1800 at sunlife insurance nya na 3500. Ung utang ko din sa kanya na 15000 dahil ibinili nya ako ng sapatos at damit noong April, dahil natanggap akong trainer sa isang bagong kumpanya na tinanggal naman ako nang walang dahilan pagkatapos kong solong buuin ung kurikulum nilang mga putangina nila. Isang buwan lang ang ipinasok ko doon, hindi pa nila ibinigay ung pangalawang sahod ko. Hanggang ngaun, gusto ko paring ilaban un, pumunta sa isang public attorney  at humingi ng tulong pero sa kalagayan ko ngaun, isa na siguro un sa least ng priorities ko. pag iniisip ko naman na mamasukan ulit sa call center, naiisip ko ung malaking bungal sa resume ko ng 2 taon na hindi ako nakapagtrabaho. ung irata ko sa NBI dahil sa DOST scholarship kong hindi ko natapos. ung pagiging high school graduate ko.

iniisip ko din na kakabirthday lang nung bunso kong babae, si sarah. napakatalino at napakabait na bata. volleyball lang ang hinihingi, hindi ko pa maibigay. ung cards na pinabibili sa akin ni Parnando, 500php. Ang sunod sunod na paghahabol ng mga bayarin na tila walang katapusan.

Sabado na ngayon at dapat ay may 5600 na ako para pambayad ng mga utang pero wala. Ang totoo nyan, dahil ipinaayos sa akin ng kapatid ko ung laptop nya this week, wala akong natapos na doll. kahit isa. sabi ko sa kanya, natapos ko na ung isa at ginagawa ko na ung pangalawa pero nagsisinungaling ako para hindi sya magalala.

umalis na sya. sabi nya matulog na ako. sinubukan kong matulog ngunit pagkatapos ng ilang minuto ay may kumatok nang malakas sa pintuan. Meralco daw. nagsinungaling nalang ako at sinabi ko na binayadan na un kahapon lahat. Alam ko namang walang way para makita nya un e. Sabado kasi. Tsaka, may namumutol ba ng sabado? Feeling ko hindi taga meralco un e. Kasi may nagpunta na dito 2 days ago, binigyan ko lang ng 100p para hindi batakin ang kuntador. Iba iba nagpupunta dito, maya't maya. Haaayyy.

Anyway, ke totoong taga meralco un o hindi, pagalis nya, pumantig ang pulso ko nang malakas. wala kasi akong kahit sampung piso na maipangsusuhol sa kanya. Hindi ko rin kayang maputulan ng kuryente kasi dito ako sa bahay nagsa-sideline. pag akyat ko dito sa kwartom sinubukan ko ulit makatulog pero hindi ko na magawa. Ang dami kong iniisip. Ang dming problema. Iniwawaksi ko nlang pero tumatama parin nang mabigat kasi kahit na sobrang galing kong magwaksi ng problema, alam kong nanjan pa rin yan at kailangang gawaan ng solusyon para maayos. Ngaun hindi na ako makatulog. As usual, walang makausap. Hindi ako marunong manghingi ng tulong sa KANYA bukod sa mga pa-50 50p na hinihingi ko araw araw na pang one-day-one-eat ko.

Kaya siguro ako pagod na pagod. Galit na galit sa isang pirasong maliit na bagay lang. Nagipon ipon na lahat ng mabibgiay na bagay at parang kung may isa pang dadagdag, madudurog na buto ko sa bigat.

So kahit na makati balat ko, mapait laway ko, nanginginig kamay ko, masakit ulo ko, ok lang yun. pero sana maintindihan mo ako at wag mong susuklian ng galit ung galit ko. Ako dati ang nagwa-walk out, hindi ko na ginagawa yun mula nang sinabi mo na ayaw mong maghiwalay tayo nang hindi nagbabati. pero mukhang favorite gesture mo na ngaun ang pag walk-out.

Buti nalang, may notepad. Salamat notepad. Hehe.

Time Skip Update 1 - Pain

right now, i'm dying to get some sleep but my chest hurts. Hurts like a sharp bitchy pain.

I don't know if I should just ignore it like the other stuff i feel. My right foot big toe hurts coz the ingrown nail cut though my flesh and now there is blood accumulating in there. My molars hurt a lot from time to time because it's rotten. And I can't have it extracted coz its too expensive (impaction). I don't want to think that's where the chest pain is coming from. Whenever I scratch my skin, it leaves a feeling that I have cramps in that area, and also most of the time, I feel like I have cramps somewhere in the lung area. I always feel heartburn, and I always feel pain in my joints.

I ignore these because I don't want "her" to worry. I am just all about taking care of her, making sure she goes to sleep when she needs it and making money for the future.