Feel

Why is that belief so strong? Probably planted in my subconscious growing up.

Anyways, sometimes, I feel like my time is near.

I don't know why... Probably because maybe you feel when your almost done doing something or when you see the finish line on the horizon, i don't know.. Maybe because i feel pains in my chest and my throat is swelling because of my rotten 10 year old impacted tooth.

But I am so happy. So happy to be with my baby. If there is one thing in life that made me worth living on this planet, it's her. the only reason why I live. To love her, my baby, Audi Raizza Ramos.

Been with her for 5 years now, still feel like we just met. Everyday, she's so beautiful, everyday, so fun.

So i guess that's why I feel like something bad is gonna happen. Because I'm so happy.

The only thing that makes me sad though is not being able to provide and give her needs and wants. She's not greedy, she sticks with me though thick and thin. But as a man who loves someone so much, it's just so painful not to be able to provide.

I pray hard that I be given the chance to be the man that provides for her.

I love you baby.

Tire

Tire for car tires.

Internet's been cut for a month, and just got reconnected yesterday. It's a big deal, really, as I was thinking of not having it reconnected. My ISP's service sucks. Sky Broadband of SkyCable's 3mbps can't even play a lo-res youtube video properly. So anyway, I got it again because I need to find work. Again. But this time, I'm hoping for things to be different. I'm trying home-based  jobs now, through odesk.com. makes a lot more sense since working as an employee here in the Philippines with 10k per 15 days is just stupid. If you live here, you know why.

Spent a year working for my friend, maing gay online dolls for little girls seemed like a great idea, until recently. Last December 2012 to Feb 2013, i was making 5500 a week, which made sense, thinking that I won't have to spend money for transportation, I was able to save and buy some cool stuff for me and my baby. But it's a different story now. Shit splattered and now my friend/boss began acting like a douche.Just making roughly around 10k now. My fault anyway. And I still want to have that doll making sideline but I need more income.

I was so happy and brave last December, making all that money without having to go anywhere. Right now, I lost 100% of that enthusiasm.

So goes the old Filipino saying that life is like a tire. Round and round, sometimes you're on the upside, sometimes down. Hope to get up soon. Real soon, before the next billing cycle and/or before my baby resign from her job.

torn

just tonight after a long while, I prayed. I said, "God, what should I do?"

Long time ago, when I was in high school, and also in church, I had a good friend. His name is Donn. He was literally my one and only best friend in church. Before, during and most of the time, after services, we'd find a hidden mini store near the service venue and smoke a cigarette, tear a few leaves off a nearby plant and use it as a hand sanitizer, masking our scent with the smell of crushed leaves.

He would then spend a few weeks sometimes @ our place and it was fun, although we'd fight about food cause he eats A LOT. but nevertheless, good times.

Then, i left the church 5-6 years ago which was pretty much the last time I saw or heard from him.

Earlier this evening, he sent me a message. Saying he's in deep shit and that he needed my help. He also said that the least thing I could do was to let him stay here at my place for at most a week till he finds another place to stay. Shortly after getting the message, my phone rang and it was him. I couldn't decide whether to pick up or not. It was a long time and I don't know if I can feed or have him stay for a week in this puny little home of ours. God, even I and bear can't even sleep properly together in this room, where would I have him stay? He kept calling for like 10 times or so.

So I prayed.

It would've been fun to have caught up with him again, after all these years and after all we've been through, but I don't know, given his circumstances and mine.

Should I reply? Give him a call? have him stay over? or should I just ignore him? what should I do?

Time Skip Update 4 - stricken

sadness just overwhelmed me.

i was just trying to clean up my computer of Gigs of temp files, registry, etc. restarted my computer and lighted a cigarette while waiting for the logon screen to show. I looked at my 32' LED Tv and looked around. I noticed the blinking of my cisco wifi modem and sorta thought - "man, we (bhear and I) are kinda making it. To think that 2 years ago, we had nothing more than this core 2 DELL laptop that I forgot to give back to my previous employer when I resigned, and a couple of anime figures. Back then, anime figures was all that made me happy, even thought they were bootlegs bought in divisoria.

Then, continuing to look around, I saw this long bamboo sticking out of the window, (reason why I can't close it when needed) this bamboo acted as an extension for the TV antennae downstairs. It was dad and I who put it there.

All rushed back. How he wanted to watch the news everyday saying "news here in the Philippines suck" (somewhat like that) "walang kwenta mga balita dito! umutot nanaman si Sharon Cuneta!" says dad. Of course I would ask him "then why do you keep watching the news everyday?". He would only smile and say, "Says in the bible to be watchful of current events. Since we don't have cable TV, you just have to learn to read between the lines."

But before that, I would remember him, borrowing a wheel barrow just so he could take that "once-too-many-times  defective 2000php surplus TV" to the technician to have it fixed, He would put the Tv on the cart and walk to phase 1 every time the Tv didnt work. And just like the pathetic loser I am and was, didn't even lend a helping hand.

I also remember him having no money at all but just suddenly one day, he was able to buy a TV antennae. Now that antennae is still standing, sticking out the window through that long bamboo, while your Tv downstairs, as usual is no longer working.

I miss you so much dad.

I remember you would always try to wait for your turn (ever so seldom) to use the internet that I always use every night.

I remember you would wait for that video to load on youtube, regardless of how slow the buffering took.

If only you were here now. Now im looking at my 32 inch LED tv with cnn and god knows how many other news channels in there but no one watches it here, how much you would have appreciated it. The 3mbps continuous youtube stream, now only used for pathetic movie trailers and other nonsense crap.

I wish you were here dad. I wish I treated you better. Loved you more. Talked to you more. Supported you more.

Now you are just downstairs in an urn, beside your books, still i never fail to look at you and remember you everyday. And when no one is around, I even talk to you and greet you verbally. Ironic, because when you were still here, Id wished you would go to sleep already cause I cant smoke when you're around.

I wish I could send this message to everyone who forsakes their dads or mums, someday you will feel the same as I do if you don't change now. I learned that if there is a chance to do something, do it TODAY.

Make the most out of everyday, love your love ones more and more each day. Kiss them, hug them, show them that you care, TODAY and everyday.

People who are alive feel that they live forever. But they don't. And everyone will die. It's just a matter of time. Don't be stupid enough to be too late to realize that.

I LOVE YOU DAD. and I MISS YOU. Everyday.

Time Skip Update 3 - Update

update. after a year or more I guess..

up to my last blog, i think if i remember correctly, i was filled with rage, hate, and depression.

all the negative thoughts.

a year after, i must say im doing pretty good!

I finally left the FUCKING CORPORATE JUNGLE OF CALL CENTERS a year ago and now, I work homebased, designing and making online games and very soon, I, too, will be starting a designing job for a motorcycle magazine.

hard to believe it but in my previous blogs, I posted pictures of EVERYTHING (Material) I want to have and I now have it.

now, I have another set of things in mind for the future:

note 2 samsung
galaxy camera
i78 laptop
27inch computer monitor
ps3 move
ps vita
samsung galaxy s4

CAR
WEDDING

i know I can do it. We (bhear and I) can do it.

and as morgan freeman said: always keep your goals in mind. put a picture of something that you want in places that you will always see and be reminded, and 100% guaranteed, you will get it.

My baby and I are doing great more than ever. Always happy, sometimes quarreling, still very rare sex life but still, very much in love every day, more and more.

hope to update this soon, when I reach one or more of the goals.

Time Skip Update 2 - Tae

hindi ako makatulog. nagloloko ang katawan ko, mayat maya sobrang kati ng balat ko. nanginginig ang mga kamay ko. alam kong may health problem ako, pero isa lang yon sa mga magagaan na iniisip ko.

lagi kaming nagaaway. hindi ko alam kung anung nakakapag set off sa akin pero kanina, nakatulog na kami ng konti nang bigla nalang syang umiiyak, masakit daw ng sobra ung dinantayan kong hita nya. umiyak sya na parang nabalian sya ng buto. sinubukan kong masahiin pero lalo lang daw sumasakit. nainis ako at umalis sa kamang halos sa akin lang ay hindi na kasya. napasigarilyo ako na parang sobrang pikon na pikon na nanginginig pa ung mga kamay ko. tuloy tuloy pa rin ang pagiyak nya. pinapanood ko lang sya kasi alam ko naman na wala akong magagawa para tulungan sya. mga ilang minuto pa, pinilit nyang tumayo. uuwi na daw sya kasi inaaway ko nanaman daw sya. lagi nalang daw akong galit.

bakit nga ba ako galit? alam  ko sa sarili ko na hindi lang ako galit kundi nanggagalaiti sa kunsumisyon. alam kong ang kapal ng mukha ko para magalit nalang basta basta. tutal, wala naman akong trabaho. kumikita ako ng mga 2500 sa isang linggo, pero hindi parin sapat un. ang nagbibigays aakin ng pagkain gabi gabi ay ung kapatid kong babae, o kadalasan, SIYA. hindi ako nagbbiyahe, nakaupo lang ako buong gabi, gumagawa ng mga Flash Dolls para sa cartoondollemporium.com.

Pero bigla nalang tumataas ung dugo ko talaga. kanina, sobrang pagod ko. Dahil siguro sa labis na paninigarilyo. Hindi ako umiinom ng tubig kasi ung tubig dito sa bahay galing gripo, nagtatae ako pagnakakainom ng madami. so lagi akong RC or mountain dew; Dahil din siguro sa maya't maya, iniisip ko ang para sa kinabukasan namin, kung paano ko sya maiaahon sa hirap at magiging isang maaasahang tao para sa knya. Dahil siguro minu-minuto, iniisip ko na baka may dumating na taga meralco at batakin ung kuntador naming 3 months nang hindi nababayadan pero nakakabit. Dahil din siguro iniisip ko na ganun din ung tubig namin. Dahil din siguro sa sobrang pagnanais ko na makagawa ng dalawang doll sa isang linggo para kahit papaano kumita ako ng 5600. para mabayadan ko ung nanay nya ng 2000 at matulungan ko sya magbayad ng sun cellular bill nya na 1800 at sunlife insurance nya na 3500. Ung utang ko din sa kanya na 15000 dahil ibinili nya ako ng sapatos at damit noong April, dahil natanggap akong trainer sa isang bagong kumpanya na tinanggal naman ako nang walang dahilan pagkatapos kong solong buuin ung kurikulum nilang mga putangina nila. Isang buwan lang ang ipinasok ko doon, hindi pa nila ibinigay ung pangalawang sahod ko. Hanggang ngaun, gusto ko paring ilaban un, pumunta sa isang public attorney  at humingi ng tulong pero sa kalagayan ko ngaun, isa na siguro un sa least ng priorities ko. pag iniisip ko naman na mamasukan ulit sa call center, naiisip ko ung malaking bungal sa resume ko ng 2 taon na hindi ako nakapagtrabaho. ung irata ko sa NBI dahil sa DOST scholarship kong hindi ko natapos. ung pagiging high school graduate ko.

iniisip ko din na kakabirthday lang nung bunso kong babae, si sarah. napakatalino at napakabait na bata. volleyball lang ang hinihingi, hindi ko pa maibigay. ung cards na pinabibili sa akin ni Parnando, 500php. Ang sunod sunod na paghahabol ng mga bayarin na tila walang katapusan.

Sabado na ngayon at dapat ay may 5600 na ako para pambayad ng mga utang pero wala. Ang totoo nyan, dahil ipinaayos sa akin ng kapatid ko ung laptop nya this week, wala akong natapos na doll. kahit isa. sabi ko sa kanya, natapos ko na ung isa at ginagawa ko na ung pangalawa pero nagsisinungaling ako para hindi sya magalala.

umalis na sya. sabi nya matulog na ako. sinubukan kong matulog ngunit pagkatapos ng ilang minuto ay may kumatok nang malakas sa pintuan. Meralco daw. nagsinungaling nalang ako at sinabi ko na binayadan na un kahapon lahat. Alam ko namang walang way para makita nya un e. Sabado kasi. Tsaka, may namumutol ba ng sabado? Feeling ko hindi taga meralco un e. Kasi may nagpunta na dito 2 days ago, binigyan ko lang ng 100p para hindi batakin ang kuntador. Iba iba nagpupunta dito, maya't maya. Haaayyy.

Anyway, ke totoong taga meralco un o hindi, pagalis nya, pumantig ang pulso ko nang malakas. wala kasi akong kahit sampung piso na maipangsusuhol sa kanya. Hindi ko rin kayang maputulan ng kuryente kasi dito ako sa bahay nagsa-sideline. pag akyat ko dito sa kwartom sinubukan ko ulit makatulog pero hindi ko na magawa. Ang dami kong iniisip. Ang dming problema. Iniwawaksi ko nlang pero tumatama parin nang mabigat kasi kahit na sobrang galing kong magwaksi ng problema, alam kong nanjan pa rin yan at kailangang gawaan ng solusyon para maayos. Ngaun hindi na ako makatulog. As usual, walang makausap. Hindi ako marunong manghingi ng tulong sa KANYA bukod sa mga pa-50 50p na hinihingi ko araw araw na pang one-day-one-eat ko.

Kaya siguro ako pagod na pagod. Galit na galit sa isang pirasong maliit na bagay lang. Nagipon ipon na lahat ng mabibgiay na bagay at parang kung may isa pang dadagdag, madudurog na buto ko sa bigat.

So kahit na makati balat ko, mapait laway ko, nanginginig kamay ko, masakit ulo ko, ok lang yun. pero sana maintindihan mo ako at wag mong susuklian ng galit ung galit ko. Ako dati ang nagwa-walk out, hindi ko na ginagawa yun mula nang sinabi mo na ayaw mong maghiwalay tayo nang hindi nagbabati. pero mukhang favorite gesture mo na ngaun ang pag walk-out.

Buti nalang, may notepad. Salamat notepad. Hehe.

Time Skip Update 1 - Pain

right now, i'm dying to get some sleep but my chest hurts. Hurts like a sharp bitchy pain.

I don't know if I should just ignore it like the other stuff i feel. My right foot big toe hurts coz the ingrown nail cut though my flesh and now there is blood accumulating in there. My molars hurt a lot from time to time because it's rotten. And I can't have it extracted coz its too expensive (impaction). I don't want to think that's where the chest pain is coming from. Whenever I scratch my skin, it leaves a feeling that I have cramps in that area, and also most of the time, I feel like I have cramps somewhere in the lung area. I always feel heartburn, and I always feel pain in my joints.

I ignore these because I don't want "her" to worry. I am just all about taking care of her, making sure she goes to sleep when she needs it and making money for the future.