loser

the problem with being bipolar or having anything with a psychological disorder is that you tend to do things a minute ago that you immediately regret, as if you dont know what has gotten into you, as if you dont know why you did such a thing.
and then, while writing about "the regret", comes the hate again, and the next thing is you don't even know why you are writing it.
the title says it all. im a loser. it says it all, in every sense of the word. i got huge issues. i need a shrink.

anyway, just finished staring at the wall for an hour, i thought that it might be better that i just write.
writing is not my forte, given my savant-ish talent for lack of vocabulary, however, come to think of it, nothing really is my forte.

asked her to come here, prepped up, sprayed some cologne on the newly bathed me, fixed the bed, put on some nice music, nothing worked for her, still the same as before. there is a problem with me, i know it. it is not with her, as she so claims.

sometimes, i see on tv or in the movies, a couple, wildly kissing each other as they enter the apartment then taking each others clothes off, almost ripping and shredding it apart. or, this more common scene where a couple kisses for more than 5minutes, really expressing their love for one another, gently embracing and strong the hair, holding the back of the neck tightly and warmly.

watching those scenes amazes me. like im stuck in there, feeling what they feel. given the chance to do that to my partner, i would have been so happy to feel her, wanting me, loving me passionately. the attraction. ever have i been attracted to her, i have always been staring at her pictures even though i know weve been together for 4 years now. but something really got lost along the way. i can't feel her attracted to me anymore. i cant feel that "thing" that I feel when I see those scenes on tv.

oh yes, she makes me sandwiches and gives me money, and hugs me, and says she loves me and hugs me some more, but it only makes me feel like a father, with all those smacking in the lips and hugging and hugging some more...

i have talked to her about it, more than once, but still nothing.

so earlier, she left, thanking me for the time, and took off back to her place to prepare for work. Leaving me, terribly upset. i was upset because, since last saturday, i wanted to be with her passionately already, right after work, but she went with her colleagues to have breakfast with rum. then mom and I went to the reunion, the next day, I had to leave her here with her mother to spend new year's eve with mom and my sisters as this is the first new year without dad. then I came back the next day right away to go on a pointless safari in the mall with her and i guess half the population of the philippines.

anyway, when she came back here before going to work, she noticed and asked me if there was something wrong and I said "yes, but what can I do, there's nothing we can do about anyway..". so, since i said how i felt, without any effort to reach out and try to resolve how i feel, she said "you don't have to walk me to the terminal, i can go myself".

im a loser. i know. and more than anyone else, i know i don't deserve any sort of consolation whatsoever.
but i am fucking sick! and no matter how big a loser i maybe, losers get tired too.

if i get out of this shit, i am never - ever - gonna get into a relationship - ever again.

and that is a good example of a psychologically distorted, mentally impaired me. ( coz i was supposed to write this to say sorry, that I let her leave and walk to the terminal alone). not convinced? read all my blogs and you will see inconsistencies with my thoughts all throughout. i too, was impressed!

realization

james frederick b. valmonte:

STOP WHINING AND GET A JOB, YOU LOSER!

YOU OWE THAT MONEY TO HER, AND IT IS ONLY RIGHTFUL YOU GAVE IT!

SHE HAS A JOB AND YOU DON'T YOU LEECHING, PIG!

BE THANKFUL THAT SHE IS ALWAYS LOOKING OUT FOR YOU.

YOU KNOW THAT IF SHE HAD MONEY, SHE'D GIVE YOU EVERYTHING YOU WANT!

APPRECIATE HER AND EVERYTHING SHE DOES YOU UNGRATEFUL PRICK!

STOP THINKING OF TOYS AND GADGETS AND OTHER KID STUFF!

YOU ARE A GROWN MAN WITH A FIANCE AND YOU SHOULD FOCUS MORE ON YOUR FUTURE WITH HER RATHER THAN WISHING TO BUY A TOY, YOU IDIOT!

after the storm

i was summoned to go back to my gf's house... she made me a huge ham and cheese and egg sandwich, which i appreciate a lot, really. so sweet of her. kinda made me think, it's really not her fault that we don't have enuf munney to buy the things that I want anymore. the little increments of dough that we spend on a day to day basis is what got the most out of it. the 2 booster packs of magic cards that I bought today, the food we ate for 400pesos, the coffee @ starbucks, the 500p she gave me to pay karen for what i spent when we went to that useless valmonte reunion... plus sum of the other stuff we bought before.

i don't really understand it anymore, because it's like,-since i never got to buy anything satisfying for ME when I got 32k, i feel like there's this big HOLE in me that never gets filled by those little things. I still have to knock it to my senses, and tell myself to appreciate all the little things she gives me.

but this is how I naturally see it, without the bullshit:
i need sex, she gives me hugs and smacks.
i need a significantly meaningful electronic, she gives me - er... i don't know. uh, food, i guess?
i need a booster box of cards, she only allows me to buy 2 packs.
i need GUNPLA or POP, she gives me - food again or coffee.

the money's gone and i haven't even shopped for john's baby's gift yet, and also my god-children's..
the problem with me is that as an act of protest, i seem to continually ask endlessly for money and buy non-sense shit with it.
like tomorrow, or on wednesday, i'm gonna ask for another 500php to buy some cards that i really don't want or need. (i think i need it a little.)

I need to buy what I want. at least one of it. maybe a box of gundam wing EW MG. that would make me stop. the hole will never be filled unless i get what I want. because I know, there was a time (3 weeks ago,) I could have got it and I will fuckin do whatever it takes to get it back. i can't get over it.

 Gundam Wing Zero EW MG

bottomline: please buy me one fucking fake gundam and maybe that could calm me down until I get a job and buy what I want MYSELF.

what i want

 after a very boring new year, and a very tiring trip to moa, i'm home at last.

I'm not satisfied anymore, ever since i failed to buy something out of my last paycheck.. at first, i thought id be able to buy an LED TV, but it turned out I cannot. Then a fuckin second hand PS3, still, i cant. Last and least, I resorted to POP (One Piece anime figurine) or GUNPLA (Gundam plastic model) but I STILL CAN NOT FUCKING AFFORD IT! EVEN IF I GOT FUCKING 32K!  fuckin hole's getting bigger and bigger, and right now, i don't give a damn shit going to the mall of asia to ride biggest ferris wheel or whatever, as much as fuckin trimming the hair on my balls.
I cant buy a single fucking thing i want, and nobody seems to fucking care to ask me.
well i guess, needless to ask, they must know it already but they just don't care.
It's time for me to get a job again.
Exactly like last year, when my gf got a job and i thought she was gonna be taking me to divisoria more often but she did not. so i was forced to get a job because sometimes it just feels so goddamn good not to put your hopes on someone else.
obviously, i cannot apply for a job tomorrow but i will on wednesday.
when I get this job, im gonna be fucking selfish and buy my:

LED TV

PS3

MAGIC THE GATHERING CARDS

POP

 

GUNPLA

respectively.
I gave out all my money for the happiness of others this xmas and it meant fucking nothing to anyone as much as the booger i got from my nose just now.

Lesson I learned:
GET A JOB QUICK. WHEN YOU DO, FUCKING BUY WHAT YOU WANT RIGHT AWAY AND DO NOT WASTE YOUR FUCKING MONEY ON ANYONE ELSE BECAUSE NOBODY APPRECIATES WHAT YOU DO, AND NO ONE WILL DO THE SAME FOR YOU IN RETURN, EVER!

wow. i just found my new year's resolution..

HAPPY NEW YEAR! you know I meant that sarcastically.