loser

the problem with being bipolar or having anything with a psychological disorder is that you tend to do things a minute ago that you immediately regret, as if you dont know what has gotten into you, as if you dont know why you did such a thing.
and then, while writing about "the regret", comes the hate again, and the next thing is you don't even know why you are writing it.
the title says it all. im a loser. it says it all, in every sense of the word. i got huge issues. i need a shrink.

anyway, just finished staring at the wall for an hour, i thought that it might be better that i just write.
writing is not my forte, given my savant-ish talent for lack of vocabulary, however, come to think of it, nothing really is my forte.

asked her to come here, prepped up, sprayed some cologne on the newly bathed me, fixed the bed, put on some nice music, nothing worked for her, still the same as before. there is a problem with me, i know it. it is not with her, as she so claims.

sometimes, i see on tv or in the movies, a couple, wildly kissing each other as they enter the apartment then taking each others clothes off, almost ripping and shredding it apart. or, this more common scene where a couple kisses for more than 5minutes, really expressing their love for one another, gently embracing and strong the hair, holding the back of the neck tightly and warmly.

watching those scenes amazes me. like im stuck in there, feeling what they feel. given the chance to do that to my partner, i would have been so happy to feel her, wanting me, loving me passionately. the attraction. ever have i been attracted to her, i have always been staring at her pictures even though i know weve been together for 4 years now. but something really got lost along the way. i can't feel her attracted to me anymore. i cant feel that "thing" that I feel when I see those scenes on tv.

oh yes, she makes me sandwiches and gives me money, and hugs me, and says she loves me and hugs me some more, but it only makes me feel like a father, with all those smacking in the lips and hugging and hugging some more...

i have talked to her about it, more than once, but still nothing.

so earlier, she left, thanking me for the time, and took off back to her place to prepare for work. Leaving me, terribly upset. i was upset because, since last saturday, i wanted to be with her passionately already, right after work, but she went with her colleagues to have breakfast with rum. then mom and I went to the reunion, the next day, I had to leave her here with her mother to spend new year's eve with mom and my sisters as this is the first new year without dad. then I came back the next day right away to go on a pointless safari in the mall with her and i guess half the population of the philippines.

anyway, when she came back here before going to work, she noticed and asked me if there was something wrong and I said "yes, but what can I do, there's nothing we can do about anyway..". so, since i said how i felt, without any effort to reach out and try to resolve how i feel, she said "you don't have to walk me to the terminal, i can go myself".

im a loser. i know. and more than anyone else, i know i don't deserve any sort of consolation whatsoever.
but i am fucking sick! and no matter how big a loser i maybe, losers get tired too.

if i get out of this shit, i am never - ever - gonna get into a relationship - ever again.

and that is a good example of a psychologically distorted, mentally impaired me. ( coz i was supposed to write this to say sorry, that I let her leave and walk to the terminal alone). not convinced? read all my blogs and you will see inconsistencies with my thoughts all throughout. i too, was impressed!