$5B

What would i do if I had 5 billion dollars?

Converting 5 billion dollars into pesos, I would have 210 billion pesos. I just thought this figure out of the blue and have absolutely no basis for it. I just know that if had that much money, it would be enough to live my family's life and mine in content until i die. but even though I just thought of 5b in random, what i want to do with it is what i think of every single breathing day.

My brother John - 50M php and a house of his own. this idiot knocked off his girlfriend and got married 4 months after our dad died. He had to loan money to pull off the wedding and also for the labor fees of his wife. He used to be very generous and always treated us out for lunch. He would also help mom and give her some money to get through. But ever since he got married, I never saw him buy anything for us or himself ever since. It's been a year since his marriage and until now, he still sleeps on the other room with no electric fan even though it's fucking hot. His room smells like shit and own a 2nd hand fake samsung galaxy s with a broken lcd touch screen that he pays staggardly for 2000php. He has a job in a call center but i feel that his wife and her family is just sucking out all of his income. If i give him 50m, i must have the right to freeze his account the moment I find out that he's throwing all of his money on his wife's relatives. The house that I will give him must just be enough for him, his wife and his daughter (my nephew).

My sister Karen - has a very kind and pure heart. the only one who helps my mom. Every payday, she constantly visits our mom in the province. My mom lives in the mountains. Literally. There's electricity but no water. No stores in a "god-knows-how-lon-mile radius". She buys grocery and bread for them every time she visits and give mom almost all of her money too. The only one who supports my other two sisters too. She lives here with me and m brother but even if she's the only one who pays OUR bills frequently and consistently, she sleeps on the floor with the rats and the roaches (not exaggerating) downstairs. For a 24year old lady who pays for everything in the house, she should have her own room at least. But me and my brother occupy the room and she can't stand us smoking so she prefers to sleep on the floor downstairs but never says shit nor complains about anything. When we don't have anything to eat, she spends the last of her commute-to-work money just to make sure we have something to eat. She's always broke even after working for 4 years as a call center agent but hell, what the fuck do you expect when you work here in the shithole called Philippines? I heard recently, she and my mom are saving tey can buy their own place so that my mom wont have to live on my uncle's property. I will give her 50M php and a house that she deserves. I will tell her to put up her own business and I will be there to help her more if need be.

My Mom - gives until it hurts. Still heartbroken ever since our dad died last year. Cries every night. Takes care of my 2 other sisters, Sarah and Rachel. Everyday, gets up @ 4am to prep my sisters for school. Walks miles to deliver their lunches and walks back. Fetches water from the next mountain, carries it back up, feeds the fowl and her one and only pig, Mayang. Goes to the other mountain to pick peppers to sell for an extra 150php income. Has no one to talk to until the kids get home. She loaned my brother 15k when john needed it to get married and was broke ever since. john never paid her back. Recently, i heard they only have anchovies and milo for food. Shatters my heart knowing i can't do shit yet. I'm gonna give her 100M php so she can run a poultry/cattle/pig business and a huge (not really a mansion) home with an infinity pool (hehe) as she deserves, for her and my other 2 young sisters. The house will have my dad's urn in the heart of it as a a constant reminder that my dad is still the king of the house. Mom won't have to feed the pig herself, she can now have people working for her. I'm also gonna give her a Fortuner (toyota i guess) to drive just in case she needs to check on her business. :)

My sister Rachel (ching) - 2nd year high school. Soon, she'll be going to college. Intelligent young lady but with a sharp tongue, always in a bad mood. :) Really geeky and technical for her age, i guess that she got it from us. I'm gonna prepare 2M php for her college fund + 50M php for her future savings which for the time being will be under my mom's care until such a time when mom sees her fit to handle her own money. Plus her custom room in my mom's house.

Sarah my youngest baby sister. - She is now in the 5th grade and is a genius. Always sent to different schools, joining and competing in math, science and English bees. Never asked for anything more. Very understanding and mature for her age. Was right beside my dad when he died and i can't even picture it in my mind. She and Ching deserve much more so I will send them both to the best schools. I missed so many of her birthdays already. 2M php for college + 50M php for future savings plus her own custom room. :)

Daddy - I know he's not here anymore. But I know that if he was still alive, he'd want me to print his book - "The British Scepter and the American Birthright", "The Passover Question", "When Will Christ Return", and the "Trium God Dogma". I don't know what nor how to do that but i promise i will do my best to do it. I might also sent 1m php to his church, as how he would've wanted it. I love you daddy. I would print a huge portrait of you to be displayed on top of your urn in our new home.

Mitchel Baltazar (my best friend) - together we shared our dreams, thoughts, philosophies and opinions about everything. What I can't tell my fiance, i tell him. The only other person aside my fiance who believes in me with unwavering faith, and criticizes me in my face. He gives it to me straight, with no flattery or agenda, may it be good or bad. A best friend in every meaning of the word, a true friend. Also struggling, just like me, to make ends meet. the unsung hero of their house, as his dad does not know he is the bread winner yet still treats him like shit. He pays for his brother's hospital loans, etc. A kind and loving dad to his daughter and his son, also wishing he could give them the best. We both dream of owning a super computer and the best entertainment lounge in the land. :) Although one thing I hate about this guy is he will be forever stuck in love with Windows XP and will never think of changing his OS to Windows 7. Aaargh. What the fuck man?! It's 2013!!! I'll give this guy 50M php to settle all of the financial problems that really isn't supposed to be his, then take off and soar on his own. Then we will talk about putting a good business in (probably in photography/design) that we will run together.

Tita Del (my fiance's mother) - i know somewhat she doesn't like me because of how I am now but I get it. She just wants the best for her daughter. But still she tries to be nice to me. I know how much she sacrificed for her family and I can still feel that overflowing love for her daughter until now. Now that she's retired, Sometimes they don't have food. And most of the time she's alone at home thinking of how to make ends meet. I'd like to help her with 50M so she can pay her debts, renovate the house, and start a new business.

Lee (my fiance's older brother) - this guy always sees me wearing his clothes (as sometimes I don't have money to buy a detergent to do the laundry yet) but never says shit about it. He helped my fiance through school and nursing reviews and I can still see how much she loves her baby sister unil now. Times hasn't been too good for this lad either, ever since he quit from his job as a team leader in HP Teletech, he still hasn't had much luck. He tried to work as an email customer support representative but I guess this guy just has a spirit of a Samurai, born in the wrong century. He holds his head up high with his little internet shop business that almost earns nothing. I know that if I give this guy 25M php, he'll put MOST of it into good use because he has a mind of an entrepreneur. :)

Fernando Quartermain and Dru - Fernando picked me up when I got terminated from my last job for NO REASON. He gave me jobs to do in Flash as a sideline and most of the time pays me out of his own pocket. If it weren't for the sidelines that he gives me, I would've gone insane by now. Until now, i still do jobs for this guy. This guy is a lot of things really, but if there is one thing that he is NOT, is that he is never selfish. Always pays for our meals and snacks. Always pays me ahead of time and even though I owe him 3kphp, he never says anything, still pays me ahead of time. A very good and creative animator/artist, he now works with PsychoBear studios, a company that makes games for the iPod/iPad. His hourly rate is 7$ per hour and he just works at home. And for someone who lives in the Philippines, that is a friggin sweet deal! But I feel that this guy, really is lonely on the inside. He hides it by his overenergeticness, never ending loud stories, hours and hours of pc gaming, magic the gathering cards, Japanese porn and anime. This guy is really a nice person but doesnt have any other social interaction aside from us. (me, dru and a couple more of his guy friends). He rents a very small room with only his pc and his bed. I know this guy deserves a lot more. Imma give him 20M plus an i7 desktop computer with a huge samsung SA950 monitor and awesome surround speakers for his new pad which I will suggest that he buys with his money. And I will also make this guy my business partner in a Flash Games / Animation business that were going to put up. + a samsung galaxy s3 so he can throw away his phone lat looks like it was begging him for death the last 10 years or so.
Dru: Fernando's buddy and now has been a good friend. Way better listener than fernando, i often tell him things that I am shy to tell Fernando like, "can you please ask him if I can borrow 2kphp". I feel that this guy lets me do the Flash jobs instead coz he knows that I need it more. Imma give this guy 10M so he can start his internet shop business near a school + an i7 DELL XPS gaming laptop with the most awesome keyboard and mouse. Also a Galaxy s3.

Some of my former students that helped me out will receive 1M php each and an invitation to a "thank you for helping me get though" party to be held @ my new place:

Blas
Audiboy
Ryle
Gee
Aie
Rickson
Lei

and last, but definitely not least -

Bhear: you and I are one so all I have is yours too. you have always believed in me. waited for me. strived with me. laughed and cried with me. never left me. always been faithful, loving and loyal to me. You deserve soooo much more. For the past 5 years, we just go to the local malls, eat at mcdonals, we window shop, yet can't buy any item more than 1k. you always show me youre as happy as eating haagen dasz even you're just eating a 2php iced candy. Someday when we rise, i promise you, we will go not only to boracay but to italy, france and japan. Places that we only used to see when we look at beautiful desktop wallpapers of those places, holding hands, dreaming together. And finally, ill be able to marry you in the Manila Cathedral filled with all the Stargazers that you want. I'll be able to shelter you with a cozy home, for us and our child, and you will never ever have to worry about breakfast lunch or dinner, tuition fees, rent and bill due dates, pawning our watches and selling our phones just to get by. We'll put up the restaurant you always wanted to have, and we'll finally have cable TV at home. We'll taste all the foods that we only see on the lifestyle channel and discover travel and living. We'll buy that bed that you want so much, the one made of wood, the one that you always see in horror movies. I'll have you decorate and customize the bedroom and the kitchen the way you want it, as long as you let me customize the living room. :) Wow, there is just so much that we will share together. I'm so happy to have you in my life baby. I love you.

I plan to go and meet with these people in a span of 2 days. But generally, I will invite all of them to (the bhears') new house for a get to know party for everyone that has been a huge part of my life. Exclusive only to the people listed above. It will be a night of sophistication, ruckus and wild partying. The next day, i will hire a mini bus for all of us so we can all go shopping together with me buying @ a 1m peso each limit.

Me: I will put up a free training center for the poor (or not) with connections to most of the call centers in the Philippines and other jobs as well. To increase their confidence and communication skills and help them change their lives. It will be the best training center in the Philippines that produces the most outstanding people. I might even put up the best call center in the Philippines with only the best customer service reps and technicians (both in skill and in attitude) with Microsoft as the main client.

After this, we will go back to our own lives. But it will be 19 lives that will be changed forever. 19 lives having their own businesses, a brighter future and better place to live in, for them and their generations to come.

Total amount of expenses: 5billion pesos. I still have 205billion pesos.

Bill Gates

Bill Gates

Dear Mr. Gates

I am thinking that the probability of you reading this letter is 1:the value of your company in Philippine pesos.
However, out of desperation, i come to think of crazy things, such as how imbalanced the world is when it comes to rich and poor people.
How much difference is your monthly income compared to my entire life of savings.
How you donated 16Billion dollars to charity.
Your achievements. Your contributions to the world. You will and forever will be Bill Gates.

I don't want to bore you with my sad stories and all the negativity i have in my life.
And I won't say that I'm the unluckiest of men either.
However in my crazy daydreaming, I was thinking - how impossible is it to ask Bill Gates for 5billiion dollars? What if you really did give me 5 billion dollars?
If this letter, somehow out of some stroke of crazy luck, did catch your eye and you got the chance to read this despite of your crazy busy time, will you even consider giving me $5B?

The probability is too crazy but writing this letter still means that the chances are still not at 0%.

That said, you might be asking what I would do if I got $5B? Why $5B?

Honestly, I don't know why i thought of a $5B figure. But i know that that would be enough to live through this lifetime in content.

Boring as it may sound but i love the people around me.  Not everyone, but there are a certain number of peeps that I owe my being to. People who kept me away from insanity and inspires me to move on. I want to feel what it is like to give a friend something more than a large Gulp in 7-11. I want to feel what it is like to go on a date with my fiance other than @ the local mall. I want to feel what it is like to cook beef for my mother, for the first time.

If I had $5B, I will be able to change the lives of my love ones and the other people around me forever.

I don't want to much into details because none of these make much sense except for this:

Imagine yourself picking your nose and getting a medium-sized booger. You flick your booger to the ground and it hits an ant. The ant takes the booger home and feeds it to his family. Never did the ant family expect, even in their wildest dreams that a day would come when they can finally taste a booger. Until they grow old and die, they will be forever happy. Something you can always produce was already a lifetime achievement for the ant.

If you took the time to read this, thank you, Mr. Gates.

I know this letter is totally one-sided and i can't think of any benefit that this will bring to you and/or your company. I have no intentions of telling anyone that you gave me money, they will not believe me anyway. Only guarantee is that I will not spend the money on the bad stuff that other sudden rich guys spend their money on in the movies.

I believe there is still a chance this might happen.

Sincerely,

James
Cavite, Philippines

Rotten 3

We talked about the issue.

I can't get it out of MY system.

My company laptop. Stolen. Gone.

I had so many things installed in there.

So many downloads that I'd have to get again.

And most of all,

it might be deducted from our salary.

A company laptop, stolen inside the company premises -

salary deducted?!

if they confirm that, i'm outta here.

Rotten 2

When I first started working here, I was so thrilled and enthused. I had so many ideas. I wanted ownership of the training team for this company.

As time went by, as my ideas got shrugged off one by one by the idiocy of my training manager, I began to lose enthusiasm. I just floated like a dead fish in the sea, but still, I sole handedly was able to finish the curriculum.

I had lots of ideas like a comprehensive Train the Trainer program, but who am I to conduct the T3? As just one of the trainers, I will only do what is UNDER MY JOB DESCRIPTION AND NOTHING ELSE.

I just kept floating. - and everyday, the only thing that kept me happy here was the HP pavilion g4 i3 they gave us to use.

Everyday, I fight for a ride back and forth. Hordes rush to the bus just to get a ride. I take 2 hours to queue for a bus plus another 2 hours for the travel itself. It's just so hard..

But nothing beats the feeling of coming home and playing Prototype or watching an episode of House on my new laptop.

Today, while we were on lunch, our laptops got stolen from the Training room.

to be continued.

Rotten Luck

Right now, I finally was able to squeeze into some cheap-ass start up recruitment company located in makati.

I was jobless for almost a year so I was very thankful that this job was given to me.

I got an offer of 25k / month
I will be a trainer
The big boss said I will be the master trainer.
We will be given brand new laptops
We will be given postpaid phones for unlimited calls and texts to all networks.

First day of the job, I learned that the head of the training was not me, but a former recruiter. (she is a former colleague and she called me up for this job). This girl doesn't know shit about training and just imposes non-sense things all of the time (about training) she kept demanding things which are either impossible to accomplish or non-sense and she also passed her recruiting jobs to us.
From time to time, she wants us to call applicants and to post ads on Jobstreet.

This company never even had a curriculum and does not even know how and where to start..

to be continued.

TRADITION

tradition

a few hours after coming home from another epic fail from goFluent, it was time for my fiance to go to work. she dropped by the house just like her normal routine, saying, "tara na bhear.." in her tired and bored mode as usual.

walking to the trike, she said she wanted the best rest she could have for tomorrow. she said she wanted to go to the hotel we always go to rest, and she was joking about going there alone. kinda like her way of saying, "cmon, lets go there tomorrow night".

there goes her pity again, i know. If she just wants to take a nice rest, she can spend 2 whole days in her air-conditioned room and sleep for 48 hours. so I asked her "why not just sleep for 48 hours in your Ac'd room? She replied "coz I wanna be with you". So I said "ok, then sleep first thing when you get home tomorrow, then when you wake up, call me so we can be together. There's no need for us to go to the hotel." So she said, "ok".

I know she's considering some private time for the two of us. And I appreciate that. However, our private time only happens in the hotel and very very seldom, at home. Even if we were the last two people left on earth, she will always be a-sexual. and besides, i already know what's gonna happen from the moment we check in. First, she's gonna turn the TV on and roll on the bed. next, she'll tell me to give her a full body massage which i will do anyway for an hour or more. Then lastly, she's asleep. The next day, because of some stroke of guilt, 45mins before we check out, she's gonna wake up, take a bath, then the "not-so-magic" happens. When she does that, I feel like our love making is a chore that she HAS TO DO.

That's why every time I watch a movie or TV and see a couple who's really into each other and seriously hot for each other,.. a couple who grab each other and kiss passionately as soon as they open the door, breaking everything in their path... I can't help but be amazed. I drool. Literally.

I have always been so attracted to my fiance. I'm always hot for her, always turned on. And everyday, regardless if we are alone or not, I show it to her. However, I feel like i am just a big chore for her. What we do in the hotel is not because she wants to. Not because she is attracted to me and that she misses me in that kind of way, but because for her, it is just a tradition.

My dad always said "most Catholics do not know the reason behind the holidays they observe. for example, Halloween. they do not know the origin of it, and they do not ask. they just do it because it's TRADITION.".

TRAINER FAIL

An English teaching company called me 2 days ago to come in at their office in Alabang today for an exam.
The exam seemed to be one of the easiest I took in my whole life.
I took the exam inside their operations area.
I was able to observe and listen to some of the agents taking calls.
With high expectations based on the information given by the person who called me 2 days ago, I found it hard to believe that the people taking calls there were no different from any other agent working in low class call centers like Teleperformance or Teletech. Unlike these two centers (these centers just suck in a huge mass of employees regardless of skill level or IQ and then shit (terminate, or people resign or go AWOL) the same amount everyday), the company I went to rarely hires people. They are said to offer an overall compensation of 50k/month + commission based on the number of clients you teach (that's what the TA said). So observing how they took calls and how they taught their customers on the phone, I knew it was gonna be a walk in a piece-of-crap-park.
But me, writing here means only one thing.
i failed the exam.
i was speechless.
i was only able to say - "seriously?"..
then I stormed out of the building.
until now, I am still confused.
I don't know what to do, or what to think anymore.
I used to think that if there was one thing I knew I was good at, it was English.
I taught it to people before.
I still remember some of the technical terms.
It's what I love.
So why?
After finding out I failed (again), I went to 7-11, grabbed a drink, then sat down.
My fiance called. I told her i'm done with the exam, but I lied about failing. I didn't want to worry her anymore.
Sitting down, re-assessing my life, on what I really want to do, if the things that I thought I was good at really wasn't true.. If then, what else can I do?
Until now, i'm still re-assessing.
Almost every night, I post pictures on my Facebook page.
I edit those pictures first before posting. No one notices or comments.
I used to post logos, vector artworks, etc that I made but got no comments whatsoever.
Makes me think, what if - what I thought was great all along was really not great?
What if my views and paradigms are in conflict to the world's?

Just a few minutes ago, I checked jobstreet.com to go look for another job.
I came across an ad for an English Trainer post requiring international standards and a bunch of other international certifications as requirements. I asked myself, "what the hell is a TOEIC Propel Workshop? What is CELTA, DELTA and RSA Cambridge?". It was way out of my league.
I used to think that at one step at a time, someday, Ill finally reach this level. Someday, i'll be a great trainer by day and a caring and loving husband and dad by night.
Realistically, I'm 28.
I'm only a high school graduate.
I'm totally broke.
how can I still catch up? do I still see myself there?

Before, the reasons I fail were completely understandable. Sometimes, the employer finds out i'm not a college graduate, fine. Or I didn't have sufficient experience as a trainer, fine.
But now, I get turned down due to reasons a seriously DO NOT KNOW WHY.

I used to believe in the WILL.
I used to believe in the HEART. The LOVE for what you do.
I used to believe in the greater cause of not only earning a living but also at the same time, helping to change the lives of other people for the better.
I used to believe that even I was not masterful, I love what I do as a trainer and love my students even more.
And I used to believe that by THAT, greatness will come out naturally.

But no one gives me a chance.
Not anymore.
because I'm an undergraduate.
because I don't have any certifications.
because I don't have leather shoes.
because instead of going on with the tight agenda, id rather listen to a participant who shares his heart to the class.

My trainees before. they were fresh graduates. some were running out of options. some didn't have confidence, some were even delinquents.

I'm proud that they are now trainers, agents, team leaders, QAs, overseas workers, programmers, and they all have a better life.
But, was it because of me?
Did I really play a huge role in their lives?
Did I really wake up their potential?
I don't really know anymore.
Sometimes, they look back and thank me.
Others just carry on with their lives.

So again, I'm confusedly re-assessing my life and I need to find my place fast. It obviously doesn't matter what I used to believe in before, it just doesn't work anymore. Gotta think of something fast.

FAIL

An English teaching company called me 2 days ago to come in at their office in Alabang today for an exam.
The exam seemed to be one of the easiest I took in my whole life.
I took the exam inside their operations area.
I was able to observe and listen to some of the agents taking calls.
With high expectations based on the information given by the person who called me 2 days ago, I found it hard to believe that the people taking calls there were no different from any other agent working in low class call centers like teleperformance or teletech. Unlike these two centers (these centers just suck in a huge mass of employees regardless of skill level or IQ and then shit the same ammount everyday), the company I went to rarely hires people. They are said to offer an overall compensation of 50k/month + commision based on the number of clients you teach (that's what the TA said). So observing how they took calls and how they taught their customers on the phone, I knew it was gonna be a walk in a piece-of-crap-park.
But me, writing here means only one thing.
i failed the exam.
i was speechless.
i was only able to say - "seriously?"..
then I stormed out of the building.
until now, I am still confused.
I dont know what to do, or what to think of anymore.
I used to think that if there was one thing I knew I was good at, it was English.
I taught it to people before.
I still remember some of the technicals.
Its what I love.
So why?
After finding out I failed (again), I went to 7-11, grabbed a drink, then sat down.
My fiance called. I told her im done with the exam but I lied about failing. I didnt want to worry her anymore.
Sitting down, re-assessing my life, on what I really want to do, if the things that I thought I was good at really wasnt true.. If then, what else can I do?
Until now, im still re-assessing.
Almost every night, I post pictures on my facebook page.
I edit those pictures first before posting. No one notices or comments.
I used to post LOGOs, vector artworks, etc that I made but got no comments whatsoever.
Makes me think, what if what I thought was great all along was really not great?
What if my views and paradigms are in conflict to the world's?

Just a few minutes ago, I checked jobstreet to go look for another job.
I came accross an ad for an English Trainer post requiring international standards and a bunch of other international certifications as requirements. I asked myself, "what the hell is a TOEIC Propel Workshop? What is CELTA, DELTA and RSA Cambridge?". It was way out of my league.
I used to think that at one step at a time, someday, Ill finally reach this level. Someday, i'll be a great trainer by day and a caring and loving husband and dad by night.
Realistically, im 28.
im only a high school graduate.
im totally broke.
how can I still catch up? do I still see myself there?

Before, the reasons I fail were completely understandable. Sometimes they find out im not a college graduate, fine. Or I didnt have sufficient experience as a trainer, fine.
But now, I get turned down due to reasons a seriously DO NOT KNOW WHY.

I used to believe to the WILL?
I used to believe to the HEART? The LOVE for what you do?
I used to believe in the greater cause of not only earning a living but also at the same time, helping to change the lives of other people for the better.
I used to believe that even I was not masterful, I love what I do as a trainer and love my students even more.
And I used to believe that by THAT, greatness will come out naturally.

But no one gives me a chance.
Not anymore.
because Im an undergraduate.
because I dont have any certifications.
because I dont have leather shoes.
beacause that instead of going on with the tight agenda, id rather listen to a participant who shares his heart to the class.

My trainees before. they were fresh graduates. some were running out of options. some didnt have confidence, some were even delinquents.

Im proud that they are now trainers, agents, team leaders, QAs, overseas workers, programmers, and they all have a better life.
But, was it because of me?
Did I really play a huge role in their lives?
Did I really wake up their potential?
I dont really know anymore.
Sometimes, they look back and thank me.
Others just carry on with their lives.

So again, Im confusedly re-assessing my life and I need to find my place fast. It obviously doesnt matter what I used to believe in before, it just doesnt work anymore. Gotta think of something fast.

POP p2

just wanted to post and share to my dearest blogger (the only one i share my thoughts to) how excited and craving I am to once again want to buy these new releases which I saw @ divisoria last weekend.

 Batholomew Kuma POP

Enel God POP

 Perhona POP

Others were Trafalgar Law, Shanks and Ace Strong Version, Robin DPCF, and the Sailing Away versions of Luffy, Zoro, Nami and Chopper.

I can't wait to get a job again and fill my room with more One Piece Portrait of Pirates!

I like happy thoughts.. Makes me feel better... I have to get used to making myself feel better. Hehe.

sucks

alone at home.

12:40 in the morning.

waiting for my gf to call, normally she calls around 10-11pm during her lunch but she hasn't been calling these past few days.

makes me recall how happy she was, describing her perkiness at work towards her colleagues, how high she respects her "mentor" etc., but before she left earlier, she just made me get 50php from her wallet, smacked me on the lips and said she'll be going to work. she called me an hour after, said she was tired again, and feeling sick.

I fucking hate this set up. Me, here everyday, no social life, no transportation to go to my friends, cant even play magic cards on a weekend because even that costs money.

I fucking swear to Buddha that when I get a job, I AM GONNA FUCKING FREAK OUT AND BE ALL FRIENDLY AND NICE AGAIN TO THE PEOPLE AROUND ME. I'm gonna hang out with those peeps in team buildings and pool parties and drinking sessions, may they be girls, boys or homosexuals, i don't give a shit. I'm tired of building my life around just one person and it's making me SICK metaphorically and literally speaking.

I'm gonna turn my phone to silent now coz im sleeping. Good night.

honesty

its been a nice weekend. mom heard i was sick and was shitting like crazy for almost 5 days straight now so she rushed last Friday here along with my 2 other beloved sisters. karen, who now rents a place in zapote also spent the weekend here, and so did sord. it was a complete family weekend together.

mom cooked my favorite chicken curry and chicken adobo and it was great since no one has the time to cook anymore. im really grateful. she bought me lots of bananas to eat coz she said its good for me and my shit.

bhear, my girlfriend, I guess due to so much pity of me, took me out to eat @ Divisoria. At first, we went to SM MOA, but she wasn't able to find the stuff she needs to buy so we went to DIVISORIA after a few hours of walking in circles at MOA. I was so freakin tires and depressed but I didnt wanna show it to her. Depressed coz I was there but i didnt have anything to treat her or myself to whatever we wanted. I felt life a dog following her around, to whatever she feels like doing. at first, she had an allergy and kept sneezing but when she got well, she started talking about how close she is to her colleagues, and a guy that she calls her mentor. surprisingly contrasting with regard to the way I thought she feels every time she goes to work. (everyday, before she goes to work, she's always gloomy and tired, we almost don't talk, and she just gives me a smack before taking the jeep to work. she calls me when she gets there and again, i hear her tired tone, making me more depressed, wishing i was the one working for a living and not her.) she describes in her story how perky she is at work, how her voice gets heard in other people's calls because of how noisy she is, how she communicates with her mentor, like they're so close. strange things run in to my mind while she describes how she is at work. observing her more, a little later @ MOA, I felt her, tired and gloomy again, even after she slept 13 hrs the day before. I just knew at that point that she didn't take us out because she misses me or our time together but just took me out because she pities me for being at home the whole week.

Today, before mom left, mommy, in her own weird way, was trying to convince me to get whatever hell of a job as soon as I get well. She understands the hell that I go through every time I'm left alone at home.

after watching all the movies and reading all the manga I can, I can't help but re-assess my fcking life. i get more and more depressed while doing so.

I'm the type of person that when depressed does not just sulk @ the corner of some room, i move on. however, inevitably, the depression takes a huge-ass toll on me, physically and mentally.

When Im alone, aside from the usual "im such a loser-sucks to be me-I got no work" type of things that i think about when Im alone, i was also thinking of how my girlfriend only calls me whenever she wants to, how she shrugs me off every time I touch her sexily, every time I kiss her in the neck, etc.. I miss her, and I miss our time together, and sometimes, when I know she's at home, I stay up at night hoping she calls me when she wakes up but she doesn't. My god i have done everything i can, i have talked to her re this matter, understood as much as i can, i give her countless massages  for minutes sometimes hours almost everyday. we rarely have any private time together, which of course, makes me feel more like a loser and makes me depressed even more so.

i can't talk to her about these things anymore.

recently, i have noticed that I haven't been completely open and honest with her anymore. Every time Id start a conversation regarding any of the things that I notice, it just leads to her, getting offended and not understanding my point. I haven't even told her that I owe our neighbor 700php for fixing the memory chip of my laptop that got eaten by ants. I told the neighbor that I would pay him on the first of march but until now, i have been hiding from him, just here in the house, thinking of a way to earn some money.

anyway, i just keep thinking that i deserve this. all of this.

however, what brings me down is the feeling that I am truly alone.

eggrolls

i suck.

i fucking hate myself.

i wish i could say that I wish I was fucking dead but it's still not that easy.

However, if no one would have to pay for my funeral, etc when I die, then I wish I was dead.

Right now, im physically sick, and it makes me more pathetic.

Regardless of my condition, still cant help to think how BIG of a FAILURE i am.

I immediately decided to upgrade my laptop by getting a loan for a 700php 1GB memory, now I can't pay for it and it will eventually boil down to asking money from "her".

I decided to lend my best friend 1k, which also then, came from "her".

I gave her a call today, she's really busy.. Maybe she doesn't know how depressed I am.

And I don't plan to let her know.

We spend roughly an hour to be together each day, and even if the time was longer than that, I'd just feel more ashamed of myself.

I can't die coz there will be huge expenses for my relatives left behind.

Ill fucking fight. But right now, im too weak.

silence

just got back from fetching 2 huge ass pails of water.

water's been out for 3 days now. john cant afford to pay the bill, neither could i.

its nice to go out at night. people dont care coz theyre all asleep.

no judging eyes, no one telling you youre a loser, no one expecting you to be more than what they see, theyre just all asleep.

ahhhh... so depressing.

LOVE

writing this on my notepad.

just got the internet to work again but its friggin slow. maybe it'd hit 1.5mbps later at around 4am so il just do this here on notepad for the time being.

i don't wanna whine anymore, ive just been thinking of the numerous mistakes Ive done in the past and things i achieved but blew up. right now, i have been completely re-assessing my life on what to do next and which stuff to change with myself..

yet only one thing rises above it all.

in this part, whatever happens to me now, or in the future, i want to one and for all give my eternal appreciation to my baby - Audi Raizza Ramos.

She is ONLY ONE THING in this life that makes me wanna carry on and be a better person. She is the only one who brings out the magical in this mundane shit hole we call earth.

I have always sworn to protect, care for and love her for the rest of my life but inevitably in times like this, she is the one who never fails to take care of me.

It's flattering and also at the same time, annoying - that she still thinks that after all of my hardships are over, - that after I regain my status again as a successful trainer, that I would leave her for someone else,.. Yet if there was only a pact in where I could offer my soul as guarantee, signed in blood, I woukd do it to assure her that my whole being belongs to her and her alone.

To my baby. You deserve and want so much, yet, I fail to provide. Even more so, you ask for so little or almost nothing at all. In so many times, since we've been together, i know i have failed you a lot. But in these times when I think that the only escape is either death or insanity, just one thought of you, one touch of your hand, one whisper, you put me back on track right on.

I promise to search for a change to be better, for you and our family in the future. And I pray that God gives me a chance to provide you with the needs and the love and the warmth that you so deserve. I will cherish and care and love and kiss and massage you for the rest of my life, YOU and ONLY YOU alone.

I will wait, because I believe in you.

I love you baby.

loser

the problem with being bipolar or having anything with a psychological disorder is that you tend to do things a minute ago that you immediately regret, as if you dont know what has gotten into you, as if you dont know why you did such a thing.
and then, while writing about "the regret", comes the hate again, and the next thing is you don't even know why you are writing it.
the title says it all. im a loser. it says it all, in every sense of the word. i got huge issues. i need a shrink.

anyway, just finished staring at the wall for an hour, i thought that it might be better that i just write.
writing is not my forte, given my savant-ish talent for lack of vocabulary, however, come to think of it, nothing really is my forte.

asked her to come here, prepped up, sprayed some cologne on the newly bathed me, fixed the bed, put on some nice music, nothing worked for her, still the same as before. there is a problem with me, i know it. it is not with her, as she so claims.

sometimes, i see on tv or in the movies, a couple, wildly kissing each other as they enter the apartment then taking each others clothes off, almost ripping and shredding it apart. or, this more common scene where a couple kisses for more than 5minutes, really expressing their love for one another, gently embracing and strong the hair, holding the back of the neck tightly and warmly.

watching those scenes amazes me. like im stuck in there, feeling what they feel. given the chance to do that to my partner, i would have been so happy to feel her, wanting me, loving me passionately. the attraction. ever have i been attracted to her, i have always been staring at her pictures even though i know weve been together for 4 years now. but something really got lost along the way. i can't feel her attracted to me anymore. i cant feel that "thing" that I feel when I see those scenes on tv.

oh yes, she makes me sandwiches and gives me money, and hugs me, and says she loves me and hugs me some more, but it only makes me feel like a father, with all those smacking in the lips and hugging and hugging some more...

i have talked to her about it, more than once, but still nothing.

so earlier, she left, thanking me for the time, and took off back to her place to prepare for work. Leaving me, terribly upset. i was upset because, since last saturday, i wanted to be with her passionately already, right after work, but she went with her colleagues to have breakfast with rum. then mom and I went to the reunion, the next day, I had to leave her here with her mother to spend new year's eve with mom and my sisters as this is the first new year without dad. then I came back the next day right away to go on a pointless safari in the mall with her and i guess half the population of the philippines.

anyway, when she came back here before going to work, she noticed and asked me if there was something wrong and I said "yes, but what can I do, there's nothing we can do about anyway..". so, since i said how i felt, without any effort to reach out and try to resolve how i feel, she said "you don't have to walk me to the terminal, i can go myself".

im a loser. i know. and more than anyone else, i know i don't deserve any sort of consolation whatsoever.
but i am fucking sick! and no matter how big a loser i maybe, losers get tired too.

if i get out of this shit, i am never - ever - gonna get into a relationship - ever again.

and that is a good example of a psychologically distorted, mentally impaired me. ( coz i was supposed to write this to say sorry, that I let her leave and walk to the terminal alone). not convinced? read all my blogs and you will see inconsistencies with my thoughts all throughout. i too, was impressed!

realization

james frederick b. valmonte:

STOP WHINING AND GET A JOB, YOU LOSER!

YOU OWE THAT MONEY TO HER, AND IT IS ONLY RIGHTFUL YOU GAVE IT!

SHE HAS A JOB AND YOU DON'T YOU LEECHING, PIG!

BE THANKFUL THAT SHE IS ALWAYS LOOKING OUT FOR YOU.

YOU KNOW THAT IF SHE HAD MONEY, SHE'D GIVE YOU EVERYTHING YOU WANT!

APPRECIATE HER AND EVERYTHING SHE DOES YOU UNGRATEFUL PRICK!

STOP THINKING OF TOYS AND GADGETS AND OTHER KID STUFF!

YOU ARE A GROWN MAN WITH A FIANCE AND YOU SHOULD FOCUS MORE ON YOUR FUTURE WITH HER RATHER THAN WISHING TO BUY A TOY, YOU IDIOT!

after the storm

i was summoned to go back to my gf's house... she made me a huge ham and cheese and egg sandwich, which i appreciate a lot, really. so sweet of her. kinda made me think, it's really not her fault that we don't have enuf munney to buy the things that I want anymore. the little increments of dough that we spend on a day to day basis is what got the most out of it. the 2 booster packs of magic cards that I bought today, the food we ate for 400pesos, the coffee @ starbucks, the 500p she gave me to pay karen for what i spent when we went to that useless valmonte reunion... plus sum of the other stuff we bought before.

i don't really understand it anymore, because it's like,-since i never got to buy anything satisfying for ME when I got 32k, i feel like there's this big HOLE in me that never gets filled by those little things. I still have to knock it to my senses, and tell myself to appreciate all the little things she gives me.

but this is how I naturally see it, without the bullshit:
i need sex, she gives me hugs and smacks.
i need a significantly meaningful electronic, she gives me - er... i don't know. uh, food, i guess?
i need a booster box of cards, she only allows me to buy 2 packs.
i need GUNPLA or POP, she gives me - food again or coffee.

the money's gone and i haven't even shopped for john's baby's gift yet, and also my god-children's..
the problem with me is that as an act of protest, i seem to continually ask endlessly for money and buy non-sense shit with it.
like tomorrow, or on wednesday, i'm gonna ask for another 500php to buy some cards that i really don't want or need. (i think i need it a little.)

I need to buy what I want. at least one of it. maybe a box of gundam wing EW MG. that would make me stop. the hole will never be filled unless i get what I want. because I know, there was a time (3 weeks ago,) I could have got it and I will fuckin do whatever it takes to get it back. i can't get over it.

 Gundam Wing Zero EW MG

bottomline: please buy me one fucking fake gundam and maybe that could calm me down until I get a job and buy what I want MYSELF.

what i want

 after a very boring new year, and a very tiring trip to moa, i'm home at last.

I'm not satisfied anymore, ever since i failed to buy something out of my last paycheck.. at first, i thought id be able to buy an LED TV, but it turned out I cannot. Then a fuckin second hand PS3, still, i cant. Last and least, I resorted to POP (One Piece anime figurine) or GUNPLA (Gundam plastic model) but I STILL CAN NOT FUCKING AFFORD IT! EVEN IF I GOT FUCKING 32K!  fuckin hole's getting bigger and bigger, and right now, i don't give a damn shit going to the mall of asia to ride biggest ferris wheel or whatever, as much as fuckin trimming the hair on my balls.
I cant buy a single fucking thing i want, and nobody seems to fucking care to ask me.
well i guess, needless to ask, they must know it already but they just don't care.
It's time for me to get a job again.
Exactly like last year, when my gf got a job and i thought she was gonna be taking me to divisoria more often but she did not. so i was forced to get a job because sometimes it just feels so goddamn good not to put your hopes on someone else.
obviously, i cannot apply for a job tomorrow but i will on wednesday.
when I get this job, im gonna be fucking selfish and buy my:

LED TV

PS3

MAGIC THE GATHERING CARDS

POP

 

GUNPLA

respectively.
I gave out all my money for the happiness of others this xmas and it meant fucking nothing to anyone as much as the booger i got from my nose just now.

Lesson I learned:
GET A JOB QUICK. WHEN YOU DO, FUCKING BUY WHAT YOU WANT RIGHT AWAY AND DO NOT WASTE YOUR FUCKING MONEY ON ANYONE ELSE BECAUSE NOBODY APPRECIATES WHAT YOU DO, AND NO ONE WILL DO THE SAME FOR YOU IN RETURN, EVER!

wow. i just found my new year's resolution..

HAPPY NEW YEAR! you know I meant that sarcastically.