Recession

It's been a month now since our budget was cut. I'm really hoping that the recession will end next month. I want to go back to the way it was 2 months ago, when I was earning 400$ a week. It truly makes me smile, reading and looking back to the way it was,  when I bought Bhear's bed, and I was able to take care of all the expenses + buy the stuff that I really want.. Now it seems like I just woke from a beautiful dream. I don't know why, but when things turn out to be soooo right, something crappy happens. Now, I'm earning more or less 9k a month which is not even enough to pay for the house that we signed for. Oh how I wish things would go back to the way it was. Now, I don't know. I don't even know if Ill get the same opportunity as before, given that Fernando is jobless, so he needs that job again. I've applied at so many jobs online, I haven't even got a call or an e-mail reply. I need to rise now. I'm 30 going on 31 this year, and it's not cool that I don't have the resources to create a home or raise a family. Everything needs money. Well come to think of it, I was even poorer same time last year. Yet I was almost reaching for the skies before the year ended. Still, I can't wait for the next quarter... I have huge bills to pay. I even owe mom 10000 and Karen, 1500. We're planning to buy a car this year, and I want to make that happen. I know what I should do, I know I should be patient, it's just I've been panicking and I've been in denial for a month now that I can't clear my mind. After this, I'm gonna keep applying. I need more. I need so much more. I need to be wealthy. I need to be prepared to give my family everything they need. I need to move. Make actions. Make achievements. Make a career. Make money.

Ozymandias

How life rolls.

Starting July last year, i finally got to do 2-3 dolls a week which was really great. Sept, i started submitting 5. It was heaven. With very little effort, I was earning 15k a week. Looking back then, when we bought Bhear's Note 2 for 20k, then we went to Baguio for another 20k, then went back and bought a 30k laptop, and bought a lot of awesome things afterwards, we almost completed all of our immediate needs. Bhear's room, TV, air-condition, shopping and grocery sprees left and right, eating at awesome restaurants, just having that feeling - that feeling that we will always have enough for our little wants, was a dream come true. Please let me go on so I can feel a bit better about myself. My razer peripherals, my ssd, my comfy table and my chair.. audi's beautiful bed, nanay and mama's bday gifts, all the expensive x-mas gifts that we gave, Christmas food, new year's food, and finally, audi's birthday celebration. i thought that from that point on, we would only rise even more. I started contacting friends whom I owe money from, planning to pay them.

Until Fernando resigned from his job. He said we would share the dolls output in half. Which bothered me so much. But it was ok for me because he's slow making dolls. He's slow because he makes really detailed and creative dolls, where as I, I just trace my dolls and alter them in some ways. I was still able to submit 5 for one time (because I was submitting puzzles) first week of january but then, the bomb blew right in front of my face. Last week, Fernando forwarded an email to me from the dolls boss from US. Long story short, they had to cut their budget for "2 months or so" and we will only be allowed to make 1 doll per week. 1 doll per week, meaning, if Fernando is to make a doll this week, mine would be for the next week. so that makes me do only 2 dolls per month for the next 2 months or so. 6k per month. shit. i pay a 11000php/month house. I am so frightened, I can't even tell Audi. I need to find a way to earn as much as I did before. I need 60k per month. How? How...

It was our last chance to pass 5 games this week. So last night, I passed 1 doll, 2 decors and 2 puzzles. Just now, Fernando told me that the puzzles and the decors will not be paid. Just the doll. Just the doll. 1 doll.

I am fucked. Totally fucked.

2013

update 11/24/2013

it's been a looooong 2 days. yesterday, bhear and I went out to SM supposedly just to unwind and go on a date... or to get a screen protector for our Telpad. But we ended up buying 20k worth of stuff. Majority of which was for her bed/frame set worth 16k. I bought a pair of slip-ons from Sandugo too amongst other things. Anyway, I'm happy. Ever since I got this job from Fernando, each year is just better that the last. I started working for him June last year and I'm still happily working with/for him today and I hope I really get to do this for life. I appreciate everything he's done for us and I'm glad to say that I too, am starting to help him back. Recently, his laptop exploded (not literally) and I got to help him by lending him 15k so he can buy a new desktop. Now he has that awesome desktop and I'm happy to think I helped him with that. Aside from that, he earns 2500 a week from me. Anyway, going back to bhear, I left her sleeping in her new huge bed, I tucked her in a heavy blanket so she won't get cold, and kissed her on the head goodnight. She didn't even flinch, (compared to when she was sleeping on that hard-ass wooden bed that always gives her neck aches and back pains) meaning, she's sound asleep. Going back home, I finally got this satisfying feeling that I'm finally moving on the right track, giving her a comfortable and safe place. I couldn't join her in bed, as her mom was home, and I don't want them to think that I'm getting too comfortable, sleeping in her same bed just because I bought it for her. Anyway, right now, I'm happy.

Happiness has been rare before I got this job, every night I would see her sleeping beside me on our old dusty and itchy foam on the floor while I look at her friends' pictures in Singapore or Dubai or in the States... We may not be there now but at least I know we are headed that way.

Also, a few days ago, we just signed a contract for a new house that we're paying. That house will soon be ours, hopefully, in less that 10 years time. It's a beautiful house in a beautiful neighborhood. That will be for her, and for our kids someday. Shit just got real, I told Dru and Fernando. I said this is it. Imma start paying 15k every month for the next 10 years. I have never gotten myself into anything that takes years to finish but I guess you just have to start investing on our future. I'm kinda scared, but I hope and pray that we'll get through this.

Don't get me wrong. I'm happy but that does not mean I don't want more. I WANT MORE! More for me and my family. They say things you have will not follow you to the grave, but it pretty darn better to die knowing you did your best for yourself and your family, and that you will have things to leave them.
I know I wont last long. I some 2 packs of cigarettes everyday. I live a very unhealthy lifestyle. I eat a lot, I sleep whenever I want, I don't drink water, I don't exercise,.. I hope to do better in the future but what the fucks do we know? I just wanna do my best to earn as long and as much as I can as long as I'm here.
We bought a lot of things recently. I was able to buy Bhear a Samsung Note 2, which unfortunately she left in the washroom and never got it back. I got a huge LED monitor, an i7 laptop with awesome GDDR5 graphics, etc. etc. I can't keep track. To think that the end of last year, I was only expecting to have an internet connection for my work. I have more want to buys before the end of this year, up to Bhear's birthday next year (Jan 04):

HDD SSD: Crucial M4 128gb msata
PHP 5870.00

RaZER Blackwidow Ultimate 2013 Elite Gaming Keyboard
PHP 6300.00

Mouse Mad Catz R.A.T 5 Gaming
PHP 3300.00

Speaker Logitech Z906 5.1 Speaker System
PHP 13950.00

Playstation 3 Dualshock 3 Wireless Controller
PHP 2000.00

Headset RaZER Tiamat Elite 7.1 Surround
PHP 8000.00

Hdd Laptop WD Scorpio Blue 1TB, WD10JPVT
PHP 3550.00

Hdd Laptop WD Scorpio Blue 320GB, WD3200BPVT
PHP 2250.00

Hdd External WD My Passport 2TB Portable USB3.0
PHP 6300.00

Senior Executive Chair
PHP 2980.00
Table
PHP 6000.00

Samsung Note 3
PHP 30000.00
Samsung Galaxy Gear Watch
PHP 13000.00

Fender (or better) Guitar
PHP 15000.00

Believe it or not, all of these costs approx 120kPHP. So if I look back next year at this blog, (hopefully because I already have all of these here) that would be astounding. After all of these, car,

 then the wedding.
Again, thank you for all the blessings and protection from God, and to Fernando. Hope to post something happy next year, see you soon blog!

This is how I hope my workstation will be someday:

suffocate

suffocating. i don't know why, i guess i just got too impatient on things going on recently. i was on my way to buying a new Alienware laptop, got a kid seller from Zambuanga who really needed the money. I could've had it by now but we went to Baguio on our anniversary so we spent half that amount. 2 days ago, he sold it to someone else. now im still stuck working on a pc that crashes every time you play a YouTube video. But at least it still allows me to play music and do my job. I guess I can still wait.

Don't get me wrong, I bought so many things recently with my 12-15k weekly salary, much much more than I ever bought on all of my 8 years in the call center (agent/trainer). it's just that when you're this close to getting everything you want, suddenly, it's not enough. I used to live year after year on budgeting my salary on transpo, food, etc. And simple dates were sufficient for me and my baby. Now only do i realize that I have missed so much! Now, almost every week, I can buy something nice I want but I still want more! Also we started planning to buy a house after all necessities have been obtained. Then after the house, a car, then the wedding. We plan to do it in Camp John Hay - Bell Amphitheater. I showed it to her last week and she was psyched. :) Looking back on a 30k per month salary minus taxes (one of the highest offers a trainer could get in a call center), I earn 11-12k per half a month minus transportation and food and other misc expenses, it does not make sense at all!

now I earn in dollars and my work load is so light, I can do it whenever and however i want. All of this is thanks to Fernando, a good friend who passed over the torch to me when he went to work for iOS games and Hentai illustrations.

for the meantime, we need to buy:

a kickass budget-friendly laptop
work table
work chair
my bed
bhear's bed
bhear's bean bags

optional:
my room renovation which includes:
*air conditioning
*room re-painting
a better cellphone
and preparation for the upcoming holiday season, a chance to give back to the people who helped us make it through the years.

after the above:
HOUSE
CAR
WEDDING


over the past year, we were able to buy:
Samsung galaxy note 2
Samsung 32inch LED TV
Nintendo wii
PlayStation 3
tv table
carrier air condition for bhear's room
bhear's room
dell s2440L 24inch monitor
dragonwar mechanical backlighted gaming keyboard and mouse
500GB western digital ext passport
and loving and fun memories from Baguio for our 6th anniversary. (speaking of anniversary, I remember our last anniversary I had to sell some of the cards in my MTG collection to buy her 3 pcs of her favorite flower.)
and everyday, my baby can now buy any food she wants or pretty much anything she wants.

I just want to stress that NEVER IN MY LIFE was I able to buy any of these until recently.

I am so thankful for all of these. If ever shit happened, I would still be pretty proud of myself and my baby, but I really hope to do this work forever.

thank you Father for giving me everyone who helped (and are still helping) me.

There

Browsing through sulit.com looking for an affordable air conditioning unit for my baby's new room, after typing the word "aircondition" in the search bar, the results showed some awesome pictures of I think one of most beautiful houses for sale I have ever seen in my entire life. One link after the other, all under the same location - "alabang". So I looked at the pictures of the houses, was actually a bit cool, felt like a virtual tour of the house, without the hassle of the Realtor sighing at you since looking like a hobo isn't really a promising look for a buyer.

Pic by pic I scrolled through the pictures of the different parts of the house.  Each house ad better than the last one, each room pic gets more and more awesome. The floors were so shiny, doors made of sliding glass, spacious patios, stair cases made of glass, bedrooms that look like you don't wanna get out of forever. It took me about 5 mins before I remembered to breathe. Then questions flooded my mind like - do these people have so many properties that they just want to sell these magnificent houses? Why not live in it their selves? Why not give it to their sons or daughters or moms and/or dads? Do all of their close immediate relatives have houses as awesome as this (if not more awesome) already? what do they do for a living? how many people in the Philippines have this much awesome houses and what do they do? did they start from an entry level job and got promoted until they reached an annual salary capable of buying a house like this? how old are they now if ever? what kind of job is it? am I really that much of a failure?

I grew up as a very poor kid. Not being able to finish college coz my parents cant afford it. after working at numerous fast food chains and playing guitar in bars, I worked in call centers since I was 20 years old and I thought that was awesome. Now I'm 30 years old and all I do is make flash dolls for P5k a week. I am now in the middle of my life and have not accomplished anything. I am angry now, feeling the world is so unfair. I think I have some talents, but there are just legions of stupid-ass motherf*ckers out there who just got born into this world with a golden spoon in their f*cking mouths.

What do I have to do to achieve a house like that? i want it for my baby, my mom, my sisters and my brother. They deserve everything this world has to offer too. why is this f*cking system made so that only the people who can AFFORD it can get the most out of it? Did God make the majestic mountains of Japan,  and New Zealand just so only the rich can see it? I'm here in the Philippines and can't even friggin afford to see everything this country has to offer.

Will I still be able to do something? Is it too late? How? When? What?
For now, all I know is to do my best in what I do and grab every opportunity I get to be more. At least i'm not a dick thrusting blindly in space, I'm a dick slowly thrusting into something. I hope to get there. I want to get there. I crave to get there. I will get there.

Feel

Why is that belief so strong? Probably planted in my subconscious growing up.

Anyways, sometimes, I feel like my time is near.

I don't know why... Probably because maybe you feel when your almost done doing something or when you see the finish line on the horizon, i don't know.. Maybe because i feel pains in my chest and my throat is swelling because of my rotten 10 year old impacted tooth.

But I am so happy. So happy to be with my baby. If there is one thing in life that made me worth living on this planet, it's her. the only reason why I live. To love her, my baby, Audi Raizza Ramos.

Been with her for 5 years now, still feel like we just met. Everyday, she's so beautiful, everyday, so fun.

So i guess that's why I feel like something bad is gonna happen. Because I'm so happy.

The only thing that makes me sad though is not being able to provide and give her needs and wants. She's not greedy, she sticks with me though thick and thin. But as a man who loves someone so much, it's just so painful not to be able to provide.

I pray hard that I be given the chance to be the man that provides for her.

I love you baby.

Tire

Tire for car tires.

Internet's been cut for a month, and just got reconnected yesterday. It's a big deal, really, as I was thinking of not having it reconnected. My ISP's service sucks. Sky Broadband of SkyCable's 3mbps can't even play a lo-res youtube video properly. So anyway, I got it again because I need to find work. Again. But this time, I'm hoping for things to be different. I'm trying home-based  jobs now, through odesk.com. makes a lot more sense since working as an employee here in the Philippines with 10k per 15 days is just stupid. If you live here, you know why.

Spent a year working for my friend, maing gay online dolls for little girls seemed like a great idea, until recently. Last December 2012 to Feb 2013, i was making 5500 a week, which made sense, thinking that I won't have to spend money for transportation, I was able to save and buy some cool stuff for me and my baby. But it's a different story now. Shit splattered and now my friend/boss began acting like a douche.Just making roughly around 10k now. My fault anyway. And I still want to have that doll making sideline but I need more income.

I was so happy and brave last December, making all that money without having to go anywhere. Right now, I lost 100% of that enthusiasm.

So goes the old Filipino saying that life is like a tire. Round and round, sometimes you're on the upside, sometimes down. Hope to get up soon. Real soon, before the next billing cycle and/or before my baby resign from her job.