Whoo! Been a while. Hmnn.. quite a lot of things happened since my last post. And still most of them are not that promising. Got quite fond of Glee, my baby and I. It's OK. All about the life of kids in high school and some grown ups. there's a few things you can pick up. some lessons. kinda learned to treat everything as a learning experience, even when watching Glee. Its refreshing, and made only better because my baby likes it too.
Well, right now, I am truly, 100% a believer (not because of Glee). I now try to be positive in every way I can. And I am starting to take 100% responsibility of my life. In my past blogs, all I did was whine, and vent out all the bad things that happened to my life. Blaming people everywhere, blaming certain circumstances and the fact that I live in the Philippines. Also, blaming the fact that I wasn't able to finish college.
These past few days awakened me from the loser that I was and how to move on with my life for the better.
Right now, I am starting to focus on the things that I do have, rather than the things that I don't and be thankful for them. I always wanted to be an Inspirational speaker, but how could I do it if I am not inspired myself? SO I have to stay positive.
Staying positive is hard when you're surrounded by people so tied up with the consequences of this and that, mainly fed to them by the environment that they are in. Paradigms that are fed to our brains because of what we thought of what is and what are. But how can we escape it if we experienced it? If ever I learned anything, I learned it through experience. And if ever i were to teach something, the things that I teach will also come from experience. Experience is the best teacher, so they say. but thoughts and paradigms, people's basis for what is and what should be, - come from experience. And so now, It is so hard to shift a mindset from something that we have lived through in the past, because we know it happened. It is like fighting human nature.
So that was drifting further away from the topic... going back, I quit from SPi. Again. Doing my best to stop blaming other people for things that happened to my life, I will say, I quit because, for some reason, despite of all of the reasons that I need money, and all of my love for teaching and training, I felt that it was really not for me. Working in SPi was not for me. I was not happy. So I quit. Selfish, I know, in many ways, abnormal, anyone who I will talk to about this would say, "having a job is better than no job at all" or "you are only a high school graduate, James. You are not in the position to be choosey". or "the longer it takes you to have a job, the harder it gets". Those are all true. To their paradigm. True to their beliefs. True to what they have experienced. True to what is currently going on with my life.
But I say, no. If I am not happy, to hell with it. Something better is coming this way. I know it like I know. And I will do great on that job, and I will skyrocket to the top because, it will be the right one for me. I have always stood up for my beliefs. My feelings. And my baby knows that - because I stood up for her many times before. My whole family, (except for my brother John), looked at me with shame and never talked to me. And now, it is happening again. I have been jobless for a year now, and now that I had a chance to be a corporate trainer, I quit after a week. So i think that even you, reading this would say a lot of reasons as to why I SHOULD HAVE NOT QUIT, but I don't care. Because if I didn't quit, I would have not been ready for the best thing that is coming soon. What that is, I still don't know. (By know you must probably think I'm crazy). I will stand for what I believe in. What I feel. If not, I will just be anyone else in this country, any other employee you see on the streets. (but that's the way life is, you say? you;re wrong.)
My baby is at work, and she doesn't want to. And every time she goes to work, my heart breaks. I just want her to be at home, watching TV or surfing the net, or enjoying the luxury of our bed or eating like a hungry bear in front of the open fridge. And with that situation, I want to change it and I will. Not by becoming a glorified yaya for the training manager which they call in SPi, the training specialist, but by becoming what I really am destined for.
Right now, I make the most out of my unemployment, studying more on photoshop, flash, inDesign, fireworks, illustrator, soundbooth, anime studio, reading all the books i can possible read, studying the courses that I will someday roll out as the best leadership development trainer there is.
Everything happens for a reason. And my reason is to be great. What ever comes in the next few days is a mystery but I am sure they will be all for me. I am sure that SOON, i will be discovered. I will rise and I will change the world, looking back to the early postings on this blog, how I was such a baloney, all throughout my 27 years of existence, I will look back. And inspire the world.
I love you so much baby. Just hold on. Just a bit longer.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land amongst the stars. - Les Brown
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Hate
Back from a long day with my baby. She just got her 2nd pay from working as a Medical Billing Specialist in the great SPi Global in Paranaque.
For a whole cut off with one regular holiday (double pay), she got 8k. Not really sure why, but it was ok. I mean, cut 15k (her monthly basic) + 10% night differential, minus the horrible Philippine tax, it should be as low as 7k max, not bad.
It really sucks to know that you are trapped in a awful and corrupt 3rd world country where the money that you earn will not get you through anything, considering the transportation fees and the other bills you need to pay for an average citizen. Well, she got 8k right? She gave 2,500 to her mom, bought MY family a few meals, took me out to Robinson's Imus. At the mall, we bought a few necessities, like cotton buds, feminine pads, a small bottle of shampoo, soap, etc. That's it. No clothes, no fancy stuff. And what was left was 2,500php, our budget for transpo and food til she gets her next paycheck. By the way, I decided to take the offer in the same company she works for, regardless of how stupid and one-sided the deal was (refer to my past blogs) because I can't stand to be left alone with my dad here at home and I need money to pay for the internet.
My baby is sleeping upstairs. Hurt of the fact that after excitedly wanting to buy my folks at home a whole chicken for dinner, they all went to sleep upstairs. Except for my brother John.
This post is not enough to express to anger and hate I feel for them doing that to her.
She never did anything wrong to them.
But right now, all we want is to save enough money to afford to rent a place somewhere. But with my 18k and her 15k per month, how long will it take before we move out? I don't know. When we were at the mall, we were happy. And because of what happened, the black clouds are back.
There have been a lot of wrong things that I did in the past, a lot of wrong decisions that made me lose my job over and over again in a span of 6 months - making me and my fiance end up here in this shit hole, but I know better now. I love her too much for her to suffer, and I will do my best, NO MATTER WHAT IT TAKES, to be a better provider. Looking at a time when I will finally come back to a nice, cozy home, with and LED TV, and a WIFE, lovingly, waiting for me, without worrying of anyone else she has to please and get along with in the same house, but me.
For a whole cut off with one regular holiday (double pay), she got 8k. Not really sure why, but it was ok. I mean, cut 15k (her monthly basic) + 10% night differential, minus the horrible Philippine tax, it should be as low as 7k max, not bad.
It really sucks to know that you are trapped in a awful and corrupt 3rd world country where the money that you earn will not get you through anything, considering the transportation fees and the other bills you need to pay for an average citizen. Well, she got 8k right? She gave 2,500 to her mom, bought MY family a few meals, took me out to Robinson's Imus. At the mall, we bought a few necessities, like cotton buds, feminine pads, a small bottle of shampoo, soap, etc. That's it. No clothes, no fancy stuff. And what was left was 2,500php, our budget for transpo and food til she gets her next paycheck. By the way, I decided to take the offer in the same company she works for, regardless of how stupid and one-sided the deal was (refer to my past blogs) because I can't stand to be left alone with my dad here at home and I need money to pay for the internet.
My baby is sleeping upstairs. Hurt of the fact that after excitedly wanting to buy my folks at home a whole chicken for dinner, they all went to sleep upstairs. Except for my brother John.
This post is not enough to express to anger and hate I feel for them doing that to her.
She never did anything wrong to them.
But right now, all we want is to save enough money to afford to rent a place somewhere. But with my 18k and her 15k per month, how long will it take before we move out? I don't know. When we were at the mall, we were happy. And because of what happened, the black clouds are back.
There have been a lot of wrong things that I did in the past, a lot of wrong decisions that made me lose my job over and over again in a span of 6 months - making me and my fiance end up here in this shit hole, but I know better now. I love her too much for her to suffer, and I will do my best, NO MATTER WHAT IT TAKES, to be a better provider. Looking at a time when I will finally come back to a nice, cozy home, with and LED TV, and a WIFE, lovingly, waiting for me, without worrying of anyone else she has to please and get along with in the same house, but me.
Friday, December 3, 2010
IIt's just me... and a panda playing keys
My baby loves this for some weird reason...
LYRICS:
It's just me
And a panda playing keys
And an elf
Puppets swaying
A tarsier's eyes a-widening
Adding new friends and sharing my pics
Level 10 mechas and sword-swinging chicks
LOL Cats versus our welterweight champion
Joining the mates and getting our grooves on
Rock and Roll! Aw!
LYRICS:
It's just me
And a panda playing keys
And an elf
Puppets swaying
A tarsier's eyes a-widening
Adding new friends and sharing my pics
Level 10 mechas and sword-swinging chicks
LOL Cats versus our welterweight champion
Joining the mates and getting our grooves on
Rock and Roll! Aw!
Back
Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh.... This blog idea is great! Prevents me from totally going crazy. Great job, inventors of Blogger! Serves you right to be millionaires! Or billionaires, sorry (forgot that Blogger is owned by Google and so is Youtube). So anyway, funny thing is, I have been thinking of a million things to write but now, I cant seem to remember anything but this:
When you are so obsessed in getting rich, you kinda bite anything that you hear. It's like an act of desperation when all else fails. And then shortly, I saw this:
After then this: (is me)
If I remember what I want to write again, I'll be back.
When you are so obsessed in getting rich, you kinda bite anything that you hear. It's like an act of desperation when all else fails. And then shortly, I saw this:
After then this: (is me)
If I remember what I want to write again, I'll be back.
Monday, November 29, 2010
SPi Technologies... Again.
I got a text from Nina telling me that I will NOT GET PAID for Training and Orientation. Cool huh? That means I start on the 1st of December, and get my first paycheck on the 15th of January. What do you think? Now, at this point, even at my most desperate state, I am having second thoughts about pursuing this job. If there were readers, I would greatly appreciate your feedback.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
For me and My Baby
Think of how many years it will take to save for these:
MacBook Pro
MacBook Pro
Sony Ericsson Satio
55" Class (54.6" Diag.) 7000 Series 3D 1080p LED HDTV
Sony Ericsson XPERIA
Amongst all other things. these are the ones I see let's say, a bit more realistic in the nearest possible future.
If I were to rise, no matter how many years from now, I will post with pictures and hope to someday, look back to these times when my baby and I had nothing.more whining and loathing. BEWARE of SPi Technologies.
-18k was still what they offered. (Again, that is for a Corporate Trainer for Leadership Development Post - Training Specialist)
-Nina put in the wrong starting date, 2 days late than the date of my orientation (which is supposed to be paid due to some reason that it takes 8 hrs). I said if she won't fix it, I will have a hard time, filing a dispute for the payout. She said she'll take care of it.
-I need to do a full medical check up on tuesday which means I have to go back to Makati again.
-NO ALLOWANCES! But of course, as mandated by law, we get to have leaves applicable on our 6th month (AS IF I'D STAY FOR 6 MONTHS!!!).
-Cut off is every 15th and 30th and payday is every 15th and 30th which means I will be working for a whole month STRAIGHT without pay. Goodbye to Xmas, goodbye to buying my loved ones at least a small gift. This was the BOMB of the day! So what now? I work for a month straight before I get my first pay which is pretty much like around 7k?! I felt like i'd be working for my death and that I was signing my death contract.
So if anyone, for some reason, gets to accross this blog, BEWARE. Unless of course that you are the most desperate person in the whole wide world (just like I am today).
DO NOT. Let me rephrase. NEVER NEVER EVER EVER APPLY FOR A JOB @ SPi Technologies.
THEY WILL SUCK YOUR BLOOD DRY, EAT YOU ALIVE, AND YOU WILL DIE.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
For My Baby
In my previous blogs, I always upload pictures of material things that I might wanna have if given the chance to walk this life to be successful and rich. As selfish and as miserable I may seem, on top of all those things is my urge to give my family and even more, to my baby.
I have been so miserable this past year because I lost my job in Teleperformance last January because of some ass-licking motherf*ckers (I used to call colleagues) can't get it if I can't talk their talk or eat what they eat.
Ever since, we had no money, I sold my guitar, we borrowed money from everyone, sometimes we had nothing to eat, I sold my one and only TV, My baby had to stop from graduate school, we wont be able to help her families financially, some of the members of her family eventually lost respect in me, I couldnt attend interview, or even if I could, I couldn't submit pre-employment requirements, amongst many other awful things.
Often times, I would go on a rage because of all of this, and who'd be there to absorb all of my crap? No one else but her. And as seen in my past blogs, my anger and frustration about everything. I would say that this is the darkest time of my life (so far).
But still, she has always been understanding. The most understanding person of all. Who has always been beside me all this time, and always will be. And after the anger and the shouting, she would still be here, holding me, telling me how much she loves me. After realize after calming down that the true reason of my rage is that I love her so much too and it drives me crazy to think that I can't give her what she deserves. I can't give her simple trips to Anawangin, or even a simple TLC burger from Jollibee. And it drives me crazy. And knowing that is always here, to love me unconditionally as she has always have, just creates a cycle of fear, anger and frustration. Fear of the possibility that I might never rise above all of this before my dream of her is over. Frustrated of the number of times I tried so hard to get a job that would at least give us a little bit allowance for a trip to Jollibee every payday.
She is still here, holding me, telling me everything will be alright. I love her. So much. And I would like to take this short sane opportunity to write the things that I really feel about us, before the rage and the anger comes back.
Then why don't I upload pictures of things that I want my baby to have? Its because I can't find the best pictures in Google to fit what I really want her to have. And if I were to lower my standards down a bit to the things I would normally see, it would be an endless stream of uploads, too much for Blogger's servers to handle.
I love you so much baby. Just wait. Just a little more. We can do this.
Happy 38th Monthsary Baby.
I have been so miserable this past year because I lost my job in Teleperformance last January because of some ass-licking motherf*ckers (I used to call colleagues) can't get it if I can't talk their talk or eat what they eat.
Ever since, we had no money, I sold my guitar, we borrowed money from everyone, sometimes we had nothing to eat, I sold my one and only TV, My baby had to stop from graduate school, we wont be able to help her families financially, some of the members of her family eventually lost respect in me, I couldnt attend interview, or even if I could, I couldn't submit pre-employment requirements, amongst many other awful things.
Often times, I would go on a rage because of all of this, and who'd be there to absorb all of my crap? No one else but her. And as seen in my past blogs, my anger and frustration about everything. I would say that this is the darkest time of my life (so far).
But still, she has always been understanding. The most understanding person of all. Who has always been beside me all this time, and always will be. And after the anger and the shouting, she would still be here, holding me, telling me how much she loves me. After realize after calming down that the true reason of my rage is that I love her so much too and it drives me crazy to think that I can't give her what she deserves. I can't give her simple trips to Anawangin, or even a simple TLC burger from Jollibee. And it drives me crazy. And knowing that is always here, to love me unconditionally as she has always have, just creates a cycle of fear, anger and frustration. Fear of the possibility that I might never rise above all of this before my dream of her is over. Frustrated of the number of times I tried so hard to get a job that would at least give us a little bit allowance for a trip to Jollibee every payday.
She is still here, holding me, telling me everything will be alright. I love her. So much. And I would like to take this short sane opportunity to write the things that I really feel about us, before the rage and the anger comes back.
Then why don't I upload pictures of things that I want my baby to have? Its because I can't find the best pictures in Google to fit what I really want her to have. And if I were to lower my standards down a bit to the things I would normally see, it would be an endless stream of uploads, too much for Blogger's servers to handle.
I love you so much baby. Just wait. Just a little more. We can do this.
Happy 38th Monthsary Baby.
Friday, November 26, 2010
Make it Mine by Jason Mraz
A few months ago, I was on the hunt to borrow money from friends in Facebook because I was so tapped out. A good friend of mine, Jason along with one of our other friends (Niko) agreed to meet me at 1AM to lend me some cash. However, what I got with them that day was something more than expected. They told me that they learned about the "Law of Attraction". A law that can be applied to anyone so long as you ask, thank, give and work efficiently. If I understood them correctly, you can have anything you think of so long as you keep your mind on it always and you follow certain guidelines.They shared personal experiences of how they were able to use it in many occasions. I'm just about to study it further but I think that in the grand scheme of things, it is good for your health.
This is a song that reminds me of that "Law".
Jason Mraz: Make it Mine Lyrics
Wake up everyone
How can you sleep at a time like this
Unless the dreamer is the real you
Listen to your voice
The one that tells you
To taste past the tip of your tongue
Leap in, the net will appear
I don't wanna wake before
The dream is over
I'm gonna make it mine
Yes I, I know it
I'm gonna make it mine
Yes I'll make it all mine
I keep my life on a heavy rotation
Requesting that it's lifting you up, up, up and away
And over to a table at the Gratitude Cafe
And I am finally there
And all the angels they'll be singing
Ah la la la, ah la la la
I la la la la love you
I don't wanna break before
The tour is over
I'm gonna make it mine
Yes I, I'll own it
I'm gonna make it mine
Yes I'll make it all mine
And timing's everything
And this time there's plenty
I am balancing
Careful and steady
And reveling in energy that everyone's emitting
Well I don't wanna wait no more
Oh I wanna celebrate the whole world
I'm gonna make it mine
Oh yes I'm following your joy
I'm gonna make it mine
Because I, I am open
I'm gonna make it mine
That's why, I will show it
I'm gonna make it mine
Gonna make it mine
Oh mine
Yes I'll make it all mine
Wake up everyone
How can you sleep at a time like this
Unless the dreamer is the real you
Listen to your voice
The one that tells you
To taste past the tip of your tongue
Leap in, the net will appear
I don't wanna wake before
The dream is over
I'm gonna make it mine
Yes I, I know it
I'm gonna make it mine
Yes I'll make it all mine
I keep my life on a heavy rotation
Requesting that it's lifting you up, up, up and away
And over to a table at the Gratitude Cafe
And I am finally there
And all the angels they'll be singing
Ah la la la, ah la la la
I la la la la love you
I don't wanna break before
The tour is over
I'm gonna make it mine
Yes I, I'll own it
I'm gonna make it mine
Yes I'll make it all mine
And timing's everything
And this time there's plenty
I am balancing
Careful and steady
And reveling in energy that everyone's emitting
Well I don't wanna wait no more
Oh I wanna celebrate the whole world
I'm gonna make it mine
Oh yes I'm following your joy
I'm gonna make it mine
Because I, I am open
I'm gonna make it mine
That's why, I will show it
I'm gonna make it mine
Gonna make it mine
Oh mine
Yes I'll make it all mine
Lotto 6/55
A few days ago, I got the verbal confirmation of the job offered to me by that lame call center in Las Pinas. I passed a 3 months of processing which includes an initial interview w/ HR, another interview with the training manager, a demo, a module creation, and a final interview with the Vice President for ASEAN HR or something. I passed. I don't know, but any trainer who went through any "trainer application process" would find this weird. Reason why I striven through all the bullshit was, I liked the job. Imagine: A Corporate Trainer for Leadership Development. Wow, right? But going back to the verbal offer, at first, I thought everything was a joke. 18k/month. WTF! I didn't have any other back up plans so I said yes after a lot of failed negotiating.
Feeling like shit, on the way home, I said, "If I didn't need the money, this would be a tremendous break." It's not the usual Voice and Accent New Hire training stuff that I usually did, this was different and cool. Training is my passion and I don't want to do anything else for a living. (Except maybe I become a judge for Talentadong Pinoy of Pilipinas Got Talent, or become a very successful professional photographer who earns a lot). But I need money. To eat, to sleep, for the bills, for my love-ones, etc. It was so, crappy that all the way home, I was asking for a miracle. I suddenly thought: LOTTO. Haha. Pathetic, but I gave it a try anyways.
I marked 6 numbers and paid 20p for the ticket. Made me feel a bit better. Having a 1:25,000,000 of a chance is not that bad, and I thought at least, I have a chance. Better than having no chance at all. The stakes were at 634 million pesos. I know, right? 634 million pesos! I bet on numbers 2-10-16-17-26-45 by the way. I thought that if I won, I wont need the money anymore and thus, work in my new job with peace and harmony.
What would you do if you won that sum'a money? What could possibly happen to your life?
Imagine how amazing it would be to finally having an escape to working your ASS off everyday to save a few hundred of pesos each payday for your future. And here in the Philippines, when I say "future" that means FAAAAAAAARRRRRRRR FAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRR future. Stupid. Life here in the Philippines is stupid. And the money that you save for ten years may not even be enough to buy you a small house. That's why so many Filipinos try their luck in other countries. Anywhere else. But here.
To make the long story short, after a few nights of wishful thinking and daydreaming of what I would do if I were a multi-millionaire, I woke up, hearing from the news that nobody won.
Here:
Grand Lotto 6/55
04-41-40-55-42-45
Php 633,911,065.20
(0)winner
Draw Date: 11/24/2010
So, anyway, it would be nice to have won and bought these things:
nice huh? and the rest, I will give to my family and my best friend. think nof how many lifespans I need to buy these stuff if I were just to save money as I am now, earning 18k per month.
Feeling like shit, on the way home, I said, "If I didn't need the money, this would be a tremendous break." It's not the usual Voice and Accent New Hire training stuff that I usually did, this was different and cool. Training is my passion and I don't want to do anything else for a living. (Except maybe I become a judge for Talentadong Pinoy of Pilipinas Got Talent, or become a very successful professional photographer who earns a lot). But I need money. To eat, to sleep, for the bills, for my love-ones, etc. It was so, crappy that all the way home, I was asking for a miracle. I suddenly thought: LOTTO. Haha. Pathetic, but I gave it a try anyways.
I marked 6 numbers and paid 20p for the ticket. Made me feel a bit better. Having a 1:25,000,000 of a chance is not that bad, and I thought at least, I have a chance. Better than having no chance at all. The stakes were at 634 million pesos. I know, right? 634 million pesos! I bet on numbers 2-10-16-17-26-45 by the way. I thought that if I won, I wont need the money anymore and thus, work in my new job with peace and harmony.
What would you do if you won that sum'a money? What could possibly happen to your life?
Imagine how amazing it would be to finally having an escape to working your ASS off everyday to save a few hundred of pesos each payday for your future. And here in the Philippines, when I say "future" that means FAAAAAAAARRRRRRRR FAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRR future. Stupid. Life here in the Philippines is stupid. And the money that you save for ten years may not even be enough to buy you a small house. That's why so many Filipinos try their luck in other countries. Anywhere else. But here.
To make the long story short, after a few nights of wishful thinking and daydreaming of what I would do if I were a multi-millionaire, I woke up, hearing from the news that nobody won.
Here:
Grand Lotto 6/55
04-41-40-55-42-45
Php 633,911,065.20
(0)winner
Draw Date: 11/24/2010
So, anyway, it would be nice to have won and bought these things:
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Heck
Well speaking of money, I never stop thinking how I can earn some. I say some coz I am tapped out. And if I had some, I'd say more, and even if I had more, I'd still want more and more. Asking for more is not bad so long as it does not destroy you but how will I know if I have never been there? That's not the point, really.
Sometimes I think, "this blog can do me some earning" but what the hell. I'm a nobody. Nobody would like to read a blog from a nobody. Unless maybe for some reason, a pair of weird parents decides to name their newborn child "Nobody", but that's too corny to be true.
Thinking that the others DO make a living from blogging, well, good for them. But what do they have that I don't? Maybe they blog about the good stuff. But I blog about the bad stuff. They blog about the great food they experience at exquisite restaurants, while I blog about my hunger. Some would blog 'bout the best tourist destinations, while I blog about me at home, not being able to do the laundry. So seriously, who'd even try to take a look at this?
There has always been an expression that it's good to be different. That if you're different and unique, they will notice you and thus, might be your chance to shine. But this blog, though is different than most, is hysterically hopeless.
While composing this post, I see that there are 6 tabs on the upper part of this page. One of it is labeled "MONETIZE". I guess that would be the blogger's option to add ads to your page for money. Maybe, if a lot of people view your page, they see the ad and possibly click em. And I think you get paid per clicks or views or whatever. Yeah, right. Sif I'm some public figure like most no-brainers you see on TV. Maybe if I looked like a metro-sexual gay guy with buff muscles, a six-pack and a bunch of TV commercials, numbers of people would visit this page even though all I said here were stuff easier that a 1+1 equation to understand.
But hey, I think my thoughts are ok. I think it might be worth reading. The others may have stuff to say because they have a lot of good stuff, and I think that is how I'm different from everyone. Because I blog stuff nobody can when all else fails. I blog about nothingness. And I blog about life when you take away the sugar coating. And I hope one day, this can be part of a series of blogs that leads to rising above all the crap.
Naks. Parang tunay.
Sometimes I think, "this blog can do me some earning" but what the hell. I'm a nobody. Nobody would like to read a blog from a nobody. Unless maybe for some reason, a pair of weird parents decides to name their newborn child "Nobody", but that's too corny to be true.
Thinking that the others DO make a living from blogging, well, good for them. But what do they have that I don't? Maybe they blog about the good stuff. But I blog about the bad stuff. They blog about the great food they experience at exquisite restaurants, while I blog about my hunger. Some would blog 'bout the best tourist destinations, while I blog about me at home, not being able to do the laundry. So seriously, who'd even try to take a look at this?
There has always been an expression that it's good to be different. That if you're different and unique, they will notice you and thus, might be your chance to shine. But this blog, though is different than most, is hysterically hopeless.
While composing this post, I see that there are 6 tabs on the upper part of this page. One of it is labeled "MONETIZE". I guess that would be the blogger's option to add ads to your page for money. Maybe, if a lot of people view your page, they see the ad and possibly click em. And I think you get paid per clicks or views or whatever. Yeah, right. Sif I'm some public figure like most no-brainers you see on TV. Maybe if I looked like a metro-sexual gay guy with buff muscles, a six-pack and a bunch of TV commercials, numbers of people would visit this page even though all I said here were stuff easier that a 1+1 equation to understand.
But hey, I think my thoughts are ok. I think it might be worth reading. The others may have stuff to say because they have a lot of good stuff, and I think that is how I'm different from everyone. Because I blog stuff nobody can when all else fails. I blog about nothingness. And I blog about life when you take away the sugar coating. And I hope one day, this can be part of a series of blogs that leads to rising above all the crap.
Naks. Parang tunay.
The Reason
Yeah. now I know why I blog. because I have no one to talk to. I'm a decaying useless dork @ home, whose opinions or thoughts mean to no one in this earth and I mean, NO ONE. At least here, I get to write the things that I want without anyone ever butting in so therefore, I can finish writing what I'm thinking. It is as if someone actually listens and lets me finish what I say.
How is it ever possible to vent your thoughts to the one involved without getting retaliation and negative responses every time. I am so tired of this crap. All this crap around me is making me sick.
Aside from all of the shit happening to me, being jobless for a year, and having loads and loads of debt, and never giving my love-ones what they need, I still have problems with my relationship. Problems, with an "S". Huh, I don't know. Things I'm thinking maybe simple but they add up to the pile of crap I have in mind that I cant ever clean up.
How is it ever possible to vent your thoughts to the one involved without getting retaliation and negative responses every time. I am so tired of this crap. All this crap around me is making me sick.
Aside from all of the shit happening to me, being jobless for a year, and having loads and loads of debt, and never giving my love-ones what they need, I still have problems with my relationship. Problems, with an "S". Huh, I don't know. Things I'm thinking maybe simple but they add up to the pile of crap I have in mind that I cant ever clean up.
hungry
I'm hungry. All I ate was a bunch of carbohydrates from the Pansit my fiance took home from their team building. It was too many because no one in their team would want to eat it. It was pansit with grounded beef and a few vegetables. It tasted funny. No choice, I was hungry.
Tonight, we're supposed to be together, her and I. But she's sleeping upstairs, exhausted from the swimming and videoke-ing and bonding together with her teammates. I understand, she needs to sleep. No work today for her, it's thanksgiving. In the states of course. And since they work for these people like pathetic slaves, they observe it more than our own traditional holidays. But what can we we do, we are just employees. Unless you have a very successful chain of perfume stores, you might end up like Joel Cruz, but that's another issue.
Well, I don't know if I'd wait for her to wake up. I mean, I can't sleep anymore. I don't have that kind of sound mind now. Even when I sleep, I always have nightmares, and even if I don't, I'm scared of waking up to face the real world again, so I'm still scared. Right now, I'm hungry and I wanna do the laundry, though those two things doesn't make a good match. I don't have money to buy soap, nor bread. And I dont want to wake her up to ask money for food or soap. This morning, when she arrived, she asked me if I was able to loan money from my friends already. I said, not yet, coz, there was none yet. That means she no longer has money. And all the more reason not to ask money from her.
I have been the provider for the longest time and it really sucks when you don't have money, you know? I have been used to giving , and not taking. And I am not the type of person that would ask in return for the things that I gave, it makes me sick. Maybe because I am the firstborn. It's a curse. And mostly, it is my pride that tells me: "I am not asking for money more than the amount that I need for today, because I don't want to be responsible of you spend all your money before the next expected payout." But still, here I am, feeling responsible for everything again.
I am so tired but I can't sleep.
I guess I should just stop and go to hell.
Tonight, we're supposed to be together, her and I. But she's sleeping upstairs, exhausted from the swimming and videoke-ing and bonding together with her teammates. I understand, she needs to sleep. No work today for her, it's thanksgiving. In the states of course. And since they work for these people like pathetic slaves, they observe it more than our own traditional holidays. But what can we we do, we are just employees. Unless you have a very successful chain of perfume stores, you might end up like Joel Cruz, but that's another issue.
Well, I don't know if I'd wait for her to wake up. I mean, I can't sleep anymore. I don't have that kind of sound mind now. Even when I sleep, I always have nightmares, and even if I don't, I'm scared of waking up to face the real world again, so I'm still scared. Right now, I'm hungry and I wanna do the laundry, though those two things doesn't make a good match. I don't have money to buy soap, nor bread. And I dont want to wake her up to ask money for food or soap. This morning, when she arrived, she asked me if I was able to loan money from my friends already. I said, not yet, coz, there was none yet. That means she no longer has money. And all the more reason not to ask money from her.
I have been the provider for the longest time and it really sucks when you don't have money, you know? I have been used to giving , and not taking. And I am not the type of person that would ask in return for the things that I gave, it makes me sick. Maybe because I am the firstborn. It's a curse. And mostly, it is my pride that tells me: "I am not asking for money more than the amount that I need for today, because I don't want to be responsible of you spend all your money before the next expected payout." But still, here I am, feeling responsible for everything again.
I am so tired but I can't sleep.
I guess I should just stop and go to hell.
Decadence
In front of the computer, haven't took a bath in 4 days. My clothes stink. I stink. My laundry is has been on the concrete floor in the front porch for months. Not that I don't wash em, I'm just trying to budget my use laundry detergent. Stupid? No. That's how poor I am. At least for me. I haven't eaten a formal meal in days and if I had the money, I'd rather buy food and cigarettes than detergent. And if ever I had detergent, I'd just use it to wash my fiance's clothes. She's the one who goes to work anyway. And even the training manager (of the new crappy call center I'm gonna soon work for) said I might be starting by Dec. 1, I still don't believe it unless I'm actually working there for a year. Things has been going so bad for me this 2010 that I don't expect anything good or nice to happen from anyone anymore.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Catch.. Crap.
I have been jobless since January of this year. And God knows what kind of hell I have been in. Got kicked out from my last job because of a couple of social climbing, ass-licking, back-stabbing co-trainers who I never got to know because they were always @ Starbucks and even though they tried to reach out to me, they were naturally unreachable. First off, I couldn't afford Starbucks (and even if I wanted to, I needed the money for my family) and their conversations were all about women they met here and there, their trip to London, or to the US or to Boracay, or how they want to buy a new car, you know, the KONYO thing. They were long-time good friends with the immediate supervisor who was also incompetent by the way. So, a simple - WE DON'T WANT HIM made a few emergency absences make like I set the company on fire.
So, here I am. Til now.
My principles fight with my needs, telling me to just work as an agent in a Call Center. So I did, but couldn't take it so I went on AWOL after a month.
Throughout this year, I was in a series of unfortunate events. I passed up to contract signing in IBM for a New-Hire Language Trainer for a verbal offer of 31k / month which is not bad compared to my last job as a Trainer in Teleperformance for 32,500 / month. A few days before the starting date, they had to retract the offer because they knew that I was just a high-school graduate. It was never asked during any of the interviews (because if you interview for a trainer, competencies are asked - the how-to's, the training cycle, experiences as a trainer, etc.). Same happened to all ten other call centers that almost hired me because of my competencies, my demo, my passion and my desire. It has always been like that. More than once, I get comments like, "at last, someone with great presentation skills, out of all I interviewed!" and "we're really glad you came, we couldn't find anyone better than you", amogst all other great compliments. And I am pretty sure that out of all that they interviewed would be people with a Bachelor's or Master's Degree or could be even a PHD.
So, my jobless streak went to an all-time, almost a year high.
Sometimes when they say -"When you're down, there is nowhere else to go but up", is not totally true. You haven't known DOWN unless you're DOWN and it just keeps getting deeper and deeper. And really, a few months ago, I thought I was down. I would steal tiny eggplants from the neighbor's yard, pawn my TV to have enough money to go to the interviews and demos I mentioned earlier. There were days that there was no food at all.
Now, living back with my siblings who work in a call center in MOA, I'm given a few hundred pesos every month max, enough for me to buy cigarettes and to go to interviews. I have been so traumatized by the entire application process that I don't expect anything anymore. These past few months, a BPO in Paranaque processed me for the title: Corporate Trainer of Leadership Development which was a mouthful. The application process was awful, compared to most call centers where you can start working after a few days, (weeks at max) of successful processing. I was processed for 3 months! Every single thing that they needed with me, I would be asked to come back for another day. I was even required to submit my own original module with facilitator notes which I never experienced from any company I applied in before.
Being so attracted to the title, I was faithful and loyal to it, declining any other interview that came. I read bopoks about behavioral, and the scientific approaches to learning. Deeper stuff. After 3 months, I passed the final interview and the job offer was expended yesterday.
Looking at the figures of my future basic monthly compensation package, I thought it was a joke! 18k per month?! What the fuck?! And I was speechless. I didn't know how to react. I had no choice. No other interviews. The last time I heard call centers paying Trainers 18/month was way back in 2006, in Telus. I tried to negotiate a bit but the manager said, that offer was already the kind of offer they would give to a Senior Trainer. I said yes. Of course. It's a few days left before Christmas and the new year. I had god-daughters and a whole clan of people I have to give presents to, etc. The Christmas hustle.
So, this keeps me thinking more about how life is here in the Philippines, and that this is not yet over. Just like the other companies, they might do a CI on me, and they can still pull me out if ever. I know that this is just the start of a new series of awfully-crappy events that will come my way and I am none the less, prepared.
Yesterday, on the way home, I went to the lottery outlet, placed a bet for the highest stake prize of 600M pesos which I think they call the 6/55. Thinking of all the bad luck I had this year. And maybe, just maybe, it might turn for the better. Thinking if I won.
So, here I am. Til now.
My principles fight with my needs, telling me to just work as an agent in a Call Center. So I did, but couldn't take it so I went on AWOL after a month.
Throughout this year, I was in a series of unfortunate events. I passed up to contract signing in IBM for a New-Hire Language Trainer for a verbal offer of 31k / month which is not bad compared to my last job as a Trainer in Teleperformance for 32,500 / month. A few days before the starting date, they had to retract the offer because they knew that I was just a high-school graduate. It was never asked during any of the interviews (because if you interview for a trainer, competencies are asked - the how-to's, the training cycle, experiences as a trainer, etc.). Same happened to all ten other call centers that almost hired me because of my competencies, my demo, my passion and my desire. It has always been like that. More than once, I get comments like, "at last, someone with great presentation skills, out of all I interviewed!" and "we're really glad you came, we couldn't find anyone better than you", amogst all other great compliments. And I am pretty sure that out of all that they interviewed would be people with a Bachelor's or Master's Degree or could be even a PHD.
So, my jobless streak went to an all-time, almost a year high.
Sometimes when they say -"When you're down, there is nowhere else to go but up", is not totally true. You haven't known DOWN unless you're DOWN and it just keeps getting deeper and deeper. And really, a few months ago, I thought I was down. I would steal tiny eggplants from the neighbor's yard, pawn my TV to have enough money to go to the interviews and demos I mentioned earlier. There were days that there was no food at all.
Now, living back with my siblings who work in a call center in MOA, I'm given a few hundred pesos every month max, enough for me to buy cigarettes and to go to interviews. I have been so traumatized by the entire application process that I don't expect anything anymore. These past few months, a BPO in Paranaque processed me for the title: Corporate Trainer of Leadership Development which was a mouthful. The application process was awful, compared to most call centers where you can start working after a few days, (weeks at max) of successful processing. I was processed for 3 months! Every single thing that they needed with me, I would be asked to come back for another day. I was even required to submit my own original module with facilitator notes which I never experienced from any company I applied in before.
Being so attracted to the title, I was faithful and loyal to it, declining any other interview that came. I read bopoks about behavioral, and the scientific approaches to learning. Deeper stuff. After 3 months, I passed the final interview and the job offer was expended yesterday.
Looking at the figures of my future basic monthly compensation package, I thought it was a joke! 18k per month?! What the fuck?! And I was speechless. I didn't know how to react. I had no choice. No other interviews. The last time I heard call centers paying Trainers 18/month was way back in 2006, in Telus. I tried to negotiate a bit but the manager said, that offer was already the kind of offer they would give to a Senior Trainer. I said yes. Of course. It's a few days left before Christmas and the new year. I had god-daughters and a whole clan of people I have to give presents to, etc. The Christmas hustle.
So, this keeps me thinking more about how life is here in the Philippines, and that this is not yet over. Just like the other companies, they might do a CI on me, and they can still pull me out if ever. I know that this is just the start of a new series of awfully-crappy events that will come my way and I am none the less, prepared.
Yesterday, on the way home, I went to the lottery outlet, placed a bet for the highest stake prize of 600M pesos which I think they call the 6/55. Thinking of all the bad luck I had this year. And maybe, just maybe, it might turn for the better. Thinking if I won.
Tsk..
Huh.. Just came back from walking my girlfriend to trike terminal. I'm quite bothered though.
This helpless feeling of parting ways knowing that you have so much to say but all that comes out are words that she wants to hear, not the things that you really feel.
Why?
Well, there are times in a relationship when you trust each other so much to know what each other would do under certain circumstances. Its like when both of you are saving money, you expect each other to be thrifty and smart in spending money. It has to go without saying that if someone flirts with anyone of us, one must know not to entertain further. And sometimes when you want to have sex so bad. You really can't beg for sex, right. Or else it wont feel great. If that is the case, I would say it would be better to jerk off alone.
The case is not really about flirting or sex, or jerking off. Why is it so much to say the things that we really want to say? Maybe in my case this time, I want her to make the initiative to know it on her own.
She has been in this new job for almost a month now. Everyday she tells me, she wants to quit. Her colleagues are assholes and have this feeling of authority over newbies. They don't help or answer whenever she asks. I said it's like that typical hampas lupa type of environment where in employees with entry level jobs have been doing the same shit over and over again (and never getting promoted) that they feel like a god that whenever they get to see a newbie. I think just like in factories, and this case, this "call center" (that she's in) is just like one.
We chat via Live messenger every night, and all that I hear is:
"I wanna go home..."
"I can't take it anymore..."
"Puta talaga mga tao dito kapag tinatanong..."
Amongst lotsa negative things.
But this past few days, after her first pay, I was shocked to know that she will be going to this team get together thing at DAMPA, a well known paluto restaurant thing when you work in call centers (I mean, its like in the call center country, the only thing they know is DAMPA and PANSOL, when you can go to so many other places in the Philippines. Well, I can't blame them, I think it is better to think of where it is cheap and economical because agents in most call centers don't earn that much anyway - compared to those call center agents who think they earn so much [compared to working for Jollibee] that they even go to Boracay and have such nice PDAs but not having enough money to survive till the next payday.) located on Macapagal Ave., near MOA. She asked me if she can go when she already made a commitment. Well, even if I thought she didn't want it there, and her colleagues suck, and that she was just there for the money, and that she wants to go home the second she turns her monitor ON. On the other hand, I thought it was great, finally opening a door of opportunities for her to bond with the "Gods of the Floor". Confused, I said, "Ok. I mean, it's up to you, if you really think it's ok for you to be there, but it's a good thing, you bonding with them." As soon as she got home, I asked her how it was. She answered with great comments, and how it shines on her face, I know it went well. But the next working day, before going to work, I heard the same whines, the same complains, same in chat. So what could be more confusing than that? I try to understand her with every ounce of good faith that I have, every inch of understanding a fiance can give.
But this morning, she said asked me if she can go to their team building tomorrow. Swimming somewhere in Molino. I didn't know what to say, so I said the usual thing, "It's up to you, ikaw bahala." Then she went ahead, choosing from different bathing suits, (2-piece swimsuits) which is quite weird because for all I know, the team building wasn't gonna be in Boracay or Puerto Gallera. (and I think she knows I don't want her to wear those).
Right now, I don't know. But I care. This feeling sucks. I have been working for years as a Trainer and it has been always part of my job to influence people to buy what you say, changing their behavior, for the better. But it's different when you are the one in the picture.
This helpless feeling of parting ways knowing that you have so much to say but all that comes out are words that she wants to hear, not the things that you really feel.
Why?
Well, there are times in a relationship when you trust each other so much to know what each other would do under certain circumstances. Its like when both of you are saving money, you expect each other to be thrifty and smart in spending money. It has to go without saying that if someone flirts with anyone of us, one must know not to entertain further. And sometimes when you want to have sex so bad. You really can't beg for sex, right. Or else it wont feel great. If that is the case, I would say it would be better to jerk off alone.
The case is not really about flirting or sex, or jerking off. Why is it so much to say the things that we really want to say? Maybe in my case this time, I want her to make the initiative to know it on her own.
She has been in this new job for almost a month now. Everyday she tells me, she wants to quit. Her colleagues are assholes and have this feeling of authority over newbies. They don't help or answer whenever she asks. I said it's like that typical hampas lupa type of environment where in employees with entry level jobs have been doing the same shit over and over again (and never getting promoted) that they feel like a god that whenever they get to see a newbie. I think just like in factories, and this case, this "call center" (that she's in) is just like one.
We chat via Live messenger every night, and all that I hear is:
"I wanna go home..."
"I can't take it anymore..."
"Puta talaga mga tao dito kapag tinatanong..."
Amongst lotsa negative things.
But this past few days, after her first pay, I was shocked to know that she will be going to this team get together thing at DAMPA, a well known paluto restaurant thing when you work in call centers (I mean, its like in the call center country, the only thing they know is DAMPA and PANSOL, when you can go to so many other places in the Philippines. Well, I can't blame them, I think it is better to think of where it is cheap and economical because agents in most call centers don't earn that much anyway - compared to those call center agents who think they earn so much [compared to working for Jollibee] that they even go to Boracay and have such nice PDAs but not having enough money to survive till the next payday.) located on Macapagal Ave., near MOA. She asked me if she can go when she already made a commitment. Well, even if I thought she didn't want it there, and her colleagues suck, and that she was just there for the money, and that she wants to go home the second she turns her monitor ON. On the other hand, I thought it was great, finally opening a door of opportunities for her to bond with the "Gods of the Floor". Confused, I said, "Ok. I mean, it's up to you, if you really think it's ok for you to be there, but it's a good thing, you bonding with them." As soon as she got home, I asked her how it was. She answered with great comments, and how it shines on her face, I know it went well. But the next working day, before going to work, I heard the same whines, the same complains, same in chat. So what could be more confusing than that? I try to understand her with every ounce of good faith that I have, every inch of understanding a fiance can give.
But this morning, she said asked me if she can go to their team building tomorrow. Swimming somewhere in Molino. I didn't know what to say, so I said the usual thing, "It's up to you, ikaw bahala." Then she went ahead, choosing from different bathing suits, (2-piece swimsuits) which is quite weird because for all I know, the team building wasn't gonna be in Boracay or Puerto Gallera. (and I think she knows I don't want her to wear those).
Right now, I don't know. But I care. This feeling sucks. I have been working for years as a Trainer and it has been always part of my job to influence people to buy what you say, changing their behavior, for the better. But it's different when you are the one in the picture.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Huh..
Well in fairness to everyone, my last blog was true even though it was purposely made as a contest piece for a promo by a telecommunications company here in the Phils. So far, I enjoyed doing it, but made it a little bit more "emo" for judge and audience impact which I think did not work anyway (coz I didn't win).
But today will all be about whatever I think of and I think that that is the true essence of blogging. I never really found the beauty in blogging ever since and honestly, this will be my first real blog.
Got thinking a little bit about how hard life is for me this year (2010), and after seeing The Social Network, I thought blogging isn't so bad after all. Because just like in the movie, in a scene where Mark Zuckerberg blogged everything he was thinking after he broke up with his girlfriend that same night, led him to a string of thought which later became a 25 billion dollar company. Of course he became the world's youngest billionaire. But of course blogging won't make you a billionaire (or will it?), but i found something awesome about it. Blogging kinda makes you feel like you are talking to someone who shares your exact thoughts and principles in life, and therefore, you got yourself a great motivator who will agree with everything that you say - all the way.
I think I'm getting a bit crazy here... Think I have to stop this for a moment and continue in a different topic later.
Friday, August 6, 2010
Baby
"It was 3 in the morning when she heard a noise. She ignored it for a minute or two. Both of them in bed, she listening, while a guy deeply sleeping beside her, open-mouthed, tulo-laway, she heard a loud thud again. She's pretty sure that it came from downstairs this time."Did I forget to lock the door?", she said. Scared, she slowly went down the bed, not to wake anyone else up. She walked to the door of the room and locked it on her way going down.
Have you ever been totally changed by someone NOT related to you? Have you ever encountered a very hard decision? Do you think you made the right one? How did you cope with that decision? Sounds like competency interviews in a job application, huh?
Don't get me wrong. I love my family very much. But, have you ever felt that no matter how "gago" you are, they will still be there for you? Someone however, is different.
My life was changed by this woman.
I "have been" in an 8-year relationship with someone before. And I thought I was happy. We shared exactly the same likes in EVERYTHING, had no problems with my friends, she had an outstanding relationship with my family and so was I with hers, so everything was perfect. But ever since the first day we were together, (aside from the fact that she was my first in everything), I couldn't stop myself from doing things that a single dude does. You know, looking at pretty girls passing by, flirting with someone else, liking the feeling when someone else likes you, well you get the idea.
I thought that the world was really like that.
That people can never be contented with what they have.
And even then, There was this one girl I can't stop thinking about. This girl I met way back in 2nd year high school. A former classmate. Never really got to court her properly coz' I was too "torpe" back then. And even if I did, she knew she was still too young. She was the most beautiful girl in our school for me. After 8 years, still kept checking her Friendster account like a stalker. Checked her favorite songs and learned how to play them on the guitar, hoping that someday, I can sing it for her. My girlfriend back then, would listen to my new learned songs, and ask me, why those songs? And even I could not answer properly, she still listened in awe to it. She was my number one fan in everything. Everything was smooth in the relationship, nothing was wrong, so she thought. We both were even working in a prestigious call center located in the Mall of Asia that was soon sold to a lesser (ahem, crappier) call center. We were really doing ok and I thought I was happy.
But I was just lying. For 8 years.
Time passed by and now, I don't look at girls passing by anymore. I don't flirt, I don't fantasize or ask for anything else. For 2 years now, I've never been so happy and all I think of is working hard for our future. All is different now. Why? Coz I left my old life when I chose to pursue Ms. High school Crush. I succeeded but the decisions I made and done were not easy at all. My world crashed and made me had 2nd doubts if I did the right thing or not.
It took me a while before I knew if I made the right decision:
IF you want to know the ending of the "story" at the opening of this letter, she found a cat.
The noise that she heard came from a cat, scavenging the trash in the kitchen. And even if it were dangerous burglars, would you lock the door behind you to keep your special someone from danger? I saw something then that I never saw in anyone before. That's when I truly knew that I made the right decision.
Now, we're sumwhat broke, we can't go out on a date that much even if we want to, her family's not into me that much (coz I'm always broke). She's not much into my music, my guitar-playing, video games or Anime that much. We have more differences than the US and Afghanistan.
But I've never been so excited to come home from work. Even if what's waiting for me is a simple can of tuna with hot steamed rice, eating has never been so delightful. Every second I spend with her is heaven. And I have never wanted to spend my life with anyone else this badly.
She has always seen and appreciated me beyond my panda looking belly and face. She always loves and understands me when times are tough, specially now.
We love each other so much.
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