hungry

I'm hungry. All I ate was a bunch of carbohydrates from the Pansit my fiance took home from their team building. It was too many because no one in their team would want to eat it. It was pansit with grounded beef and a few vegetables. It tasted funny. No choice, I was hungry.

Tonight, we're supposed to be together, her and I. But she's sleeping upstairs, exhausted from the swimming and videoke-ing and bonding together with her teammates. I understand, she needs to sleep. No work today for her, it's thanksgiving. In the states of course. And since they work for these people like pathetic slaves, they observe it more than our own traditional holidays. But what can we we do, we are just employees. Unless you have a very successful chain of perfume stores, you might end up like Joel Cruz, but that's another issue.

Well, I don't know if I'd wait for her to wake up. I mean, I can't sleep anymore. I don't have that kind of sound mind now. Even when I sleep, I always have nightmares, and even if I don't, I'm scared of waking up to face the real world again, so I'm still scared. Right now, I'm hungry and I wanna do the laundry, though those two things doesn't make a good match. I don't have money to buy soap, nor bread. And I dont want to wake her up to ask money for food or soap. This morning, when she arrived, she asked me if I was able to loan money from my friends already. I said, not yet, coz, there was none yet. That means she no longer has money. And all the more reason not to ask money from her.

I have been the provider for the longest time and it really sucks when you don't have money, you know? I have been used to giving , and not taking. And I am not the type of person that would ask in return for the things that I gave, it makes me sick. Maybe because I am the firstborn. It's a curse. And mostly, it is my pride that tells me: "I am not asking for money more than the amount that I need for today, because I don't want to be responsible of you spend all your money before the next expected payout." But still, here I am, feeling responsible for everything again.

I am so tired but I can't sleep.

I guess I should just stop and go to hell.