idiots

today, we went to the 2nd grand VALMONTE clan reunion held at my distant uncle's place @ Capitol Homes in QC. the first time, can't remember where was held 11 years ago, where I, mom, dad, karen, john and ching attended. it was fun, everyone talked to each other, my dad introduced us to almost everyone and we went home around 1am with lotsa xmas stuff and giveaways that we had to rent a jeepney to take us home. we got home 3am, talking about how happy we were.

 us and the Paranes 11 years ago

today wasnt so fun.

only mom and I went to the "thing", and we were late. dad isn't here anymore. the place was fucking huge. and so was the front yard where they held it. the house was like a mini-palace and the front of the gate was parked to death by cars which gave me the feeling that mom and I was the only one who got there via cab. we didn't know anyone else there, except for the parane's and tito boy. the parane's sang again, as usual and as always. people just talked to whom they knew, no one approached us. we were at the table at the very back, we ate then we watched the others play games as the the boring hosts called names randomly from the registration sheet.
then we watched some more. observing dress color-coded guests at their tables talked to each other, others knew everyone. i could see youngsters of our generation, laughing with each other on one table, maybe they already knew each other closely, maybe, first cousins or whatever.a lot of good lookin people too, men, women and child.. speaking in english, like 80% of them. Kids, running around with other kids. games were "pinoy henyo", "charades",... no different from a boring day in call center training. and the venue was no different from any kind of "you are invited, go there and eat and sit at your table til you finish, then leave" thing.
before we left, (after 3 hours of observing and smoking cigarettes) they gave us soy sauce and vinegar and 2 weird things wrapped like an xmas gift, which we dont know what it is for. one looks like an oversized mousepad made of wood and the other one looks like an oversized bra, (not joking) really beats the hell outta me.
they called us a cab and my uncle's wife shook my hand and said thank you for coming, the usual shit. yeah, yeah... i hated her in a way, one look at her and i can smell a corporate boss of some sort, and it just makes me wanna puke all over her fancy high-class being.
then we took off in a cab.
in fairness, uncle boy was cool, very nice guy, transparent and non-plasticky. I like him.

at home, a few minutes ago, i accidentally logged into karen's facebook account. got lost and was led to the group page for the Valmonte clan, the group page where they announced the reunion, posted pictures of members of the clan overseas. one post said "the reunion was a success"!!! "thanks to everyone....blah, blah.." i was thinking, and i wanted to reply but didnt anyway, that, If you were our great grand parents, would you say it was a success if your sons and daughters did not talk to each other? everyone who was there, represents one of our great grandparent's son. and sad to say, that it just looked like pulling out people from other places and bringing them at the venue to eat. i never met anyone there whom I havent met before, outta the almost more than a hundred guests there I think. bottomline, it fuckin sucked, a complete waste of time and money.

call me bitter for being the only one who got there via cab, when 99% of all Valmontes are filthy rich but, I least I know I'm the only one who wasn't an idiot.

another year

one good thing about my gf not working in SPi anymore is that she can't be bored enough to read my blogs now. so i guess it's safe to write again. been a year, since i guess i started venting out shit in this site, but nothing has changed with me. my dad has passed away, some people got great promotions, bought new cars, migrated to another country, but here i am, still in front of my notebook, the notebook I failed to return to my former employer, SPI. i don't know... I really want to give this back, there is absolutely nothing holding me back but I guess that the awkwardness of walking back there and handing this over is too much for me to bear.. anyway, so much for that..

I wont deny that I got busy this year too, met another asshole boss... Why do all the bosses have to be assholes? well maybe 98 out of 100 of the are assholes. and gay. gay assholes.

my blog doesnt have any outline today, i just feel like writing whatever.

im scared too, being in the same situation that I was, over and over and over and over again. my best friend always tells me to make a move with my life, coz most people just cant wait. and Im starting to feel that. a few days ago, i got my final pay from cognizant, a company which I have worked for for 4 months. i got 32k and was planning all along to buy my fiance an LED TV for her. However, she wanted something else. a sony cybershot digicam. well, its absolutely not a bad idea but i just wanted my gift to be extravagant. god knows how much I want to show off to her family and god knows how much I need it. Frequently hearing from her that her mum and her sister are both agreeing to have her marry someone in the states for an easy immigration makes me feel like SHIT. They don't respect me. And I know that they don't see me as part of the picture.All they think about is the money.
 I bought them all xmas presents, and no body thanked me, (except for her brother) probably because they thought that the money came from my gf. Hard to think i could have bought all those gifts.
Someday, when I stand up again, I'm gonna rub it in their face.
Oh MONEY... You are how people are measured these days.
It's true because im pretty sure that I am least appreciated, compared  to how my gf's mum appreciates her 2 son in laws.. oh yes, both of them have money, lots of it, so it then negates the fact that one is a rapist and one makes a living punching bag out of his wife because the wife wanted to see the mobile phone that he was so desperately trying to hide.
someday, im gonna be successful, with money more than for what I need....but I'm gonna remember all of this shit.

can't sleep

it's 5:44am. been awake I can say, about 48 hours now. yesterday my brother woke me up after resting my eyes for 2 hours, him, coming from his wife's place in Pampangga, excited to talk about Magic the Gathering stuff. MTG, a card game. A friggin expensive card game. At least for someone who works as a damned call center agent in this damned country. Not to mention if you use your money to support people other than yourself. It's a card game that my brother and I used to play back in the 90's. For some reason, I had hell way better cards then than I have now, ironically, back in the 90's i was just a high school dork. Now, I'm just a fat dork. lost my job again last month. Don't wanna dwell on that too much. Today, I'm going to look for another job, hence, the start of the cycle again. Who ever invented this system on earth really sucks, I mean, you gotta work your ass off for the rest of your life until you get old just in order to make a living. But you know, I gotta think better now. I'm looking forward to landing any kinda job later, and I plan to do good at it. I'm getting older, u know. Haven't noticed, but i'm 28. and right now, as I write this, I'm still a bum. No progress-o.
tried to sleep, suddenly, out of no where, images of my dad flashed in my mind. couldn't shrug it off. it's like there is a force reminding me of everything that happened before he left. and in the hospital, he told me (whispering-ly, because he lost his voice on his last few days) to give his college friend who lives in the US a phone call and ask for financial assistance. hurt me a lot because it has been 4 months since that and I still haven't done what he asked me to do. considering that was the last thing HE wanted me to do for him. then I kept thinking of all of the things he asked me to do for him but because of my delays, i never really wasn't able to do it.
but i will. i must, coz if not, i will never be able to forgive myself.

i miss you, dad.

it's been three months since you left, dad.
being along here at home is hard.
a lot of times, i still here news about mommy crying everyday.
we miss you dad.
after taking a shower, i saw my ring in the bathroom, i remember how you'd always keep it everytime i left it there.
since that time, all i see in the house reminded me of you again.
it seemed so sudden, these things. before we knew it, you were gone.
your bible is still here.
your mug, i am using now.
your digital watch, without a strap, your swiss army knife, the one you use to slice your med in half.
and your work, the british scepter and the american birthright, your life's work.
if only i could do something about it, something you really wanted to do with it.
the only thing i can think of is hard binding it. making it look like a real book, sold in the bookstore.
would you have wanted the world to read it? to know of it? how could i do that?
i hope god blesses me with the answers, dad.
we always remember and miss you dad.
everyday.
i love you.

 treated dad @ Starbucks Bonifacio High Street after attending service

later that night, Dad and John stayed at my place in Makati.

I love you daddy

it has only been now that i have truly come to appreciate my daddy.
i have been thinking of him, almost every hour of every day since he passed away last May 25.
i think of a lot of things about him. a lot of the good things he's done for me and the bad things i have done to him.
when he was alive, i took him for granted. even until when he was sick, he'd sleep upstairs, telling me of how painful and uncomfortable his situation is, and I'd just stare at him, sometimes, even irritatedly, thinking that he should not complain much about his illness because his psychological belief worsens it more.
I'd pass by through the stairway and see him in his room, lying on the floor (because we sleep on the mattress on the floor, because we don't have any beds) and would not even care to ask him if he needed anything.
there's just too many awful things that I have shown him before. too many to write it down.
I'd like to think that there has been something good that I have done for him, but it is just not enough for me to forgive myself.
it has only been now that I have learned that he was sad. His songs, songs that he would sing everyday, "Stardust", "let Me Try Again", "Smile", were all about the sadness that he felt. He felt so alone, that none of his sons nor daughters understood him and his religious beliefs. It breaks my heart that through those songs that he sang everyday of our lives, he remained ignored.
The lifetime fact that he was not a good provider closed my heart to him and his songs. Forgetting all of the loving things he has done for me and for us. Despite of everything, he tried to remain jolly. He was the most loving father ever. Always worried if my sister domes home an hour late, always asking how my interviews went, how my day went, always asking how my fiance is and where she is, always would say "thank you", always would hug and kiss, he was always very very loving.
Why do people see things only when it is too late?
Why do they not say the things they want to say when they have the chance?
why does appreciation only come when it is no longer there?
Happy Father's Day Daddy.
I miss you and I love you so much.
I wish you were still here with us.
I will see you again, yeah? Someday. I know.
Sleep well, Dad.

valentines..

"same shit, different day"says Morgan Freeman in the movie, Shawshank Redemption. Again, still in front of this computer, looking for something to do again but this time, I know exactly what to do. I just don't feel like doing it today. I wanted to sleep, but I can't. It is 3 in the afternoon and I should be sleeping by now, but I can't. Last night, out of confusion, I almost broke up with my baby. Thing is, I feel something is not right between us anymore. And now, I am getting so used to being alone, i feel like I don't really care if she comes over or not. Everytime we're together, I show her I miss her but she would not even kiss me the same way as before. Only smacks, smacks that grade-schooler does. Whatever the reason is I'm not sure right now. I can go on for hours giving reasons but one thing I know is sure. If this thing keeps up, it is not going to be good.

nothing

This day didn't go so well. ME and my fiancée had once too many misunderstandings today. Sometimes, i just find it so hard to please her. Normally, we can go on watching our favorite downloaded shows for hours, anywhere, and still be happy. But today was different. I tried so hard, trying to figure out what is wrong. Sometimes, when she spends a lot of time at her Mom's place, she can be really hard to understand once she spends some time here at home. Saying that my place is dark - gives her headache, too many mosquitoes, the chairs make her skin itch, the pillows make her head ache and neck hurt, etc. I try to do everything I can for her to be ok, but most of the time, it's not enough.

We have planned for this weekend, 2 weeks ahead and still it did not turn out right. We went to People's Park in Tagaytay yesterday but got there at 6pm so it was closed. We didn't have chance to get to the peak. It was so foggy that the only pictures we took were blurry, dark pics. Today, we were supposed to go to Divisoria to buy some additions to our One Piece POP action figure collection. But I found out that we don't have money anymore so we stayed at home. Staying here, with my bro, sis and my dad really wasn't that enjoyable for her as I noticed everything to be so awkward. She didn't eat much, she just stared on the monitor as we were watching a film on my computer as if she was just waiting for it to finish. again, in the middle of the second film, she said her head aches and she needs medicine but she wont let me go to the store to buy some. She said she feels dizzy because of the smell of the cigarette smoke but she wants me to smoke beside her. It's like reverse psychology to the maximum level.

Still, assessing everything at the end of the day, with her, now sleeping upstairs, (probably waiting for me to bring the laptop up and do my ID there), it is all my fault.

If i knew a better place to go than Tagaytay. If I woke up and prepared early that we couldve got there earlier. If I only had a job and helped her with the expenses. Everything could have been fine. We wouldve still been happy, just as normal, and this day wouldn't have sucked. I cannot blame anyone else but me. The reason why I wrote here is because i felt a deep sadness when I saw my cousin's pics in Nuvali, Tagaytay and how I wished I could take my baby there.

chaos

so many things currently going on in my mind but I don't have the strength to write it all. I have been awake, literally for a week now (nah, not really. maybe I sleep 3 hours a day, max), and my whole body's shaking.
all i know is i hate to see my baby go to work every night, even though she clearly does not want to. All my fault, that if I only had a job, she'd be waiting for me at home, watching TV in our super comfy sofa set (pangarap**).
I want to get back in my game. not long from now, i will be back. And little by little, i will get these things.. I have my heart locked in to this.