its been a nice weekend. mom heard i was sick and was shitting like crazy for almost 5 days straight now so she rushed last Friday here along with my 2 other beloved sisters. karen, who now rents a place in zapote also spent the weekend here, and so did sord. it was a complete family weekend together.
mom cooked my favorite chicken curry and chicken adobo and it was great since no one has the time to cook anymore. im really grateful. she bought me lots of bananas to eat coz she said its good for me and my shit.
bhear, my girlfriend, I guess due to so much pity of me, took me out to eat @ Divisoria. At first, we went to SM MOA, but she wasn't able to find the stuff she needs to buy so we went to DIVISORIA after a few hours of walking in circles at MOA. I was so freakin tires and depressed but I didnt wanna show it to her. Depressed coz I was there but i didnt have anything to treat her or myself to whatever we wanted. I felt life a dog following her around, to whatever she feels like doing. at first, she had an allergy and kept sneezing but when she got well, she started talking about how close she is to her colleagues, and a guy that she calls her mentor. surprisingly contrasting with regard to the way I thought she feels every time she goes to work. (everyday, before she goes to work, she's always gloomy and tired, we almost don't talk, and she just gives me a smack before taking the jeep to work. she calls me when she gets there and again, i hear her tired tone, making me more depressed, wishing i was the one working for a living and not her.) she describes in her story how perky she is at work, how her voice gets heard in other people's calls because of how noisy she is, how she communicates with her mentor, like they're so close. strange things run in to my mind while she describes how she is at work. observing her more, a little later @ MOA, I felt her, tired and gloomy again, even after she slept 13 hrs the day before. I just knew at that point that she didn't take us out because she misses me or our time together but just took me out because she pities me for being at home the whole week.
Today, before mom left, mommy, in her own weird way, was trying to convince me to get whatever hell of a job as soon as I get well. She understands the hell that I go through every time I'm left alone at home.
after watching all the movies and reading all the manga I can, I can't help but re-assess my fcking life. i get more and more depressed while doing so.
I'm the type of person that when depressed does not just sulk @ the corner of some room, i move on. however, inevitably, the depression takes a huge-ass toll on me, physically and mentally.
When Im alone, aside from the usual "im such a loser-sucks to be me-I got no work" type of things that i think about when Im alone, i was also thinking of how my girlfriend only calls me whenever she wants to, how she shrugs me off every time I touch her sexily, every time I kiss her in the neck, etc.. I miss her, and I miss our time together, and sometimes, when I know she's at home, I stay up at night hoping she calls me when she wakes up but she doesn't. My god i have done everything i can, i have talked to her re this matter, understood as much as i can, i give her countless massages for minutes sometimes hours almost everyday. we rarely have any private time together, which of course, makes me feel more like a loser and makes me depressed even more so.
i can't talk to her about these things anymore.
recently, i have noticed that I haven't been completely open and honest with her anymore. Every time Id start a conversation regarding any of the things that I notice, it just leads to her, getting offended and not understanding my point. I haven't even told her that I owe our neighbor 700php for fixing the memory chip of my laptop that got eaten by ants. I told the neighbor that I would pay him on the first of march but until now, i have been hiding from him, just here in the house, thinking of a way to earn some money.
anyway, i just keep thinking that i deserve this. all of this.
however, what brings me down is the feeling that I am truly alone.
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