FAIL

An English teaching company called me 2 days ago to come in at their office in Alabang today for an exam.
The exam seemed to be one of the easiest I took in my whole life.
I took the exam inside their operations area.
I was able to observe and listen to some of the agents taking calls.
With high expectations based on the information given by the person who called me 2 days ago, I found it hard to believe that the people taking calls there were no different from any other agent working in low class call centers like teleperformance or teletech. Unlike these two centers (these centers just suck in a huge mass of employees regardless of skill level or IQ and then shit the same ammount everyday), the company I went to rarely hires people. They are said to offer an overall compensation of 50k/month + commision based on the number of clients you teach (that's what the TA said). So observing how they took calls and how they taught their customers on the phone, I knew it was gonna be a walk in a piece-of-crap-park.
But me, writing here means only one thing.
i failed the exam.
i was speechless.
i was only able to say - "seriously?"..
then I stormed out of the building.
until now, I am still confused.
I dont know what to do, or what to think of anymore.
I used to think that if there was one thing I knew I was good at, it was English.
I taught it to people before.
I still remember some of the technicals.
Its what I love.
So why?
After finding out I failed (again), I went to 7-11, grabbed a drink, then sat down.
My fiance called. I told her im done with the exam but I lied about failing. I didnt want to worry her anymore.
Sitting down, re-assessing my life, on what I really want to do, if the things that I thought I was good at really wasnt true.. If then, what else can I do?
Until now, im still re-assessing.
Almost every night, I post pictures on my facebook page.
I edit those pictures first before posting. No one notices or comments.
I used to post LOGOs, vector artworks, etc that I made but got no comments whatsoever.
Makes me think, what if what I thought was great all along was really not great?
What if my views and paradigms are in conflict to the world's?

Just a few minutes ago, I checked jobstreet to go look for another job.
I came accross an ad for an English Trainer post requiring international standards and a bunch of other international certifications as requirements. I asked myself, "what the hell is a TOEIC Propel Workshop? What is CELTA, DELTA and RSA Cambridge?". It was way out of my league.
I used to think that at one step at a time, someday, Ill finally reach this level. Someday, i'll be a great trainer by day and a caring and loving husband and dad by night.
Realistically, im 28.
im only a high school graduate.
im totally broke.
how can I still catch up? do I still see myself there?

Before, the reasons I fail were completely understandable. Sometimes they find out im not a college graduate, fine. Or I didnt have sufficient experience as a trainer, fine.
But now, I get turned down due to reasons a seriously DO NOT KNOW WHY.

I used to believe to the WILL?
I used to believe to the HEART? The LOVE for what you do?
I used to believe in the greater cause of not only earning a living but also at the same time, helping to change the lives of other people for the better.
I used to believe that even I was not masterful, I love what I do as a trainer and love my students even more.
And I used to believe that by THAT, greatness will come out naturally.

But no one gives me a chance.
Not anymore.
because Im an undergraduate.
because I dont have any certifications.
because I dont have leather shoes.
beacause that instead of going on with the tight agenda, id rather listen to a participant who shares his heart to the class.

My trainees before. they were fresh graduates. some were running out of options. some didnt have confidence, some were even delinquents.

Im proud that they are now trainers, agents, team leaders, QAs, overseas workers, programmers, and they all have a better life.
But, was it because of me?
Did I really play a huge role in their lives?
Did I really wake up their potential?
I dont really know anymore.
Sometimes, they look back and thank me.
Others just carry on with their lives.

So again, Im confusedly re-assessing my life and I need to find my place fast. It obviously doesnt matter what I used to believe in before, it just doesnt work anymore. Gotta think of something fast.