Rise and Shine: after the storm

i was summoned to go back to my gf's house... she made me a huge ham and cheese and egg sandwich, which i appreciate a lot, really. so sweet of her. kinda made me think, it's really not her fault that we don't have enuf munney to buy the things that I want anymore. the little increments of dough that we spend on a day to day basis is what got the most out of it. the 2 booster packs of magic cards that I bought today, the food we ate for 400pesos, the coffee @ starbucks, the 500p she gave me to pay karen for what i spent when we went to that useless valmonte reunion... plus sum of the other stuff we bought before.

i don't really understand it anymore, because it's like,-since i never got to buy anything satisfying for ME when I got 32k, i feel like there's this big HOLE in me that never gets filled by those little things. I still have to knock it to my senses, and tell myself to appreciate all the little things she gives me.

but this is how I naturally see it, without the bullshit:
i need sex, she gives me hugs and smacks.
i need a significantly meaningful electronic, she gives me - er... i don't know. uh, food, i guess?
i need a booster box of cards, she only allows me to buy 2 packs.
i need GUNPLA or POP, she gives me - food again or coffee.

the money's gone and i haven't even shopped for john's baby's gift yet, and also my god-children's..
the problem with me is that as an act of protest, i seem to continually ask endlessly for money and buy non-sense shit with it.
like tomorrow, or on wednesday, i'm gonna ask for another 500php to buy some cards that i really don't want or need. (i think i need it a little.)

I need to buy what I want. at least one of it. maybe a box of gundam wing EW MG. that would make me stop. the hole will never be filled unless i get what I want. because I know, there was a time (3 weeks ago,) I could have got it and I will fuckin do whatever it takes to get it back. i can't get over it.